What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life?
by Breakthefloor22
Summary: It may be over, but he keeps coming back to you. Samka Rating increased due to upcoming chapters.
1. Chapter 1: Six Months in Counting

**What are you doing the Rest of Your Life?**

**Chapter 1: Six Months in Counting **

Disclaimer for the Whole Story: I don't own ER. I do however own any characters you may not recognize.

A/N: I hope you enjoy this. I would like to thank everyone for their reviews on my last story, _Right here Waiting._ Well here is my next ER Fan Fiction. Everyone, I give you…_What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life?_

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"Alex, wake up. We're there," Sam whispered tapping her son gently on the shoulder. He looked so peaceful as he slept soundly there, and she hated to wake him. His skin had a slight red tint to it from the sign that read Sea View Inn. Sam let out a chuckle, and thought out loud, " We're miles from any body of water, yet they call it the Sea View in." Below the Red letters, were the words color television. _That's great. At least that will keep Alex occupied until we find a permanent place to stay._

They had been driving all night, and she was exhausted. She shook Alex again, but it was no use. Leaning down, she gathered him up in her arms and carried him over to the lobby of the motel.

" What can I do for you?" The desk clerk questioned looking up from his newspaper.

" Can I get a room?"

" For how many nights?"

Sam sighed, " I don't know."

Six months later…

The ER bustled with people trying to get checked out by a doctor. Susan sat at the counter looking intently into the computer screen, but looked up when she saw Luka enter through the ambulance bay doors. He shook the snow out of his hair and looked at Susan, " What?" He questioned with his deep Croatian accent.

" Nothing I was just thinking. Have you heard from Sam?"

Luka shook his head, and Susan gave him a sympathetic smile, " If she doesn't come back soon we'll need to find a nurse to fill her place."

_If she doesn't come back._ The words echoed over and over through Luka's head like a broken record. For the first time in his life, he was finally happy. But then Sam just got up and left, and he hadn't heard from her since. He nodded to Susan before making his way into the lounge.

"You wanna get anything else?" Alex questioned with a giggle as he and Sam mad their way to check out. He grabbed a box of cookies as they went down the aisle, and gave Sam a pleading smile.

She took the box from him, " You know, you're the reason I have to get all this food. Your stomach's like a black hole."

" No kiddin'."

Sam sighed and shook her head, " Come on. We have to get going. My shift starts in a half an hour."

They rounded the corner, and Alex looked into her eyes, " You miss him don't you?" He took his mom's hand.

" Miss who?" The truth was thought that she knew whom he was talking about. She wanted to answer him, but decided not to. That would only lead to more problems. A grin spread across her face as she ignored the question and walked over to the check out line. Sam placed all her groceries on the black belt, and then pushed the cart to where all the bags were.

" Miss whom." Alex said with a laugh after a few moments of silence and then stated the obvious, " Luka."

" When did you get to be so smart?" She placed the gallons of milk in a brown bag and then put them in the cart. After paying for everything, she took Alex's hand and led him out of the store. The trunk shut with a thud as Sam shut it, and walked over to the driver's side of the car.

" You still didn't answer my question," Alex said as Sam turned on the car.

Sam smiled and nodded, " Yeah, I miss him."

" Then why did you leave?"

Sam was silent for a moment trying to think of a valid reason, but it was hopeless, " I don't know."

Laying in the huge king size bed he and Sam had purchased, what seemed like years ago, Luka tried to fall asleep, but sleep never came. _Come on Luka. You have a shift early tomorrow morning._ He sighed. For the past few days the only thing that was on his mind was Sam and Alex. He imagined she was fast asleep next to him with her golden locks spread around her head like a hallo. Maybe she never left. Maybe it walls all a dream, and Alex was still asleep in the other room. He shook his head because the truth was…she left.

Luka could feel his eyelids getting heavy, and finally he fell asleep. It wasn't for very long though. _Beep! Beep! Beep!_ He reached over and turned on the light on the bedside table and picked up his beeper, " I'm not on for another two hours." He mumbled under his breath. Throwing his hands up, he sighed, defeated.

The emergency room was in an obvious low-staffed situation, and Luka sighed at the sight of it. _This is going to be a long day_.

" What have we got?" Luka questioned Weaver as he came up to admit. He looked at the boards and then back at Weaver.

" Two trauma's coming in."

" ETA?"

" Four minutes."

" Who else is on?"

" Abby and Neela, but other than that we're the only ones."

" Where are Ray and Carter?"

Weaver sighed, " They both called in sick."

" And Susan?"

" I can't get a hold of her."

" This is great!" Luka said turning to leave, " Are all the nurses here?"

" Most of them."

Luka nodded, and turned to examine the person in exam one.

Sam sat in the lounge at the hospital she was now employed at. Alex came up to her and handed her her cell phone, " Dad's on the phone. Says he wants to talk to you."

Sam sighed and took the phone from her son, " Steve, what do you want?"

" I was just calling to see how the two of you are. I knew you would never last there. You never last anywhere." Sam looked at her son and handed him back the phone, " Say bye and then come on. It's time to go home."

Sam wrapped herself in her coat as they walked down the busy streets of New York City. They had been there about Five months, and she had finally found an apartment for them to stay in. It wasn't too grand, but it was perfect for how little time they spent there. She took Alex's hand as the crossed the street, and then Alex looked at her, " You didn't tell dad that Luka proposed did you?" He questioned with a sigh.

" It's none of his business. Alex you didn't tell your father where we are did you?"

Alex shook his head, " I just told him that we moved."

" So he doesn't know where we are?"

Alex nodded, " Nope. He doesn't know."

" Good."

Sam stopped in front of the door to her apartment building and looked around for her keys. Once she succeeded she opened the door, and led Alex inside. After setting down her jacket on the chair she opened the refrigerator and turned to Alex, " What do you want for dinner?"

" Are you making dinner?" He questioned a disgusted look crossing his face.

Sam smiled, " I'm not that bad of a cook am I?"

" What you don't know can't hurt you." Alex mumbled under his breath.

" What was that?"

" Oh nothing," Alex paused for a moment and then turned to his mother, " Why did we leave?"

She looked at her son, " Something was bound to go wrong Alex. I just didn't want to put you through it."

" You're a liar," he said standing up.

" Why's that."

" You left because you couldn't take the pressure. I know that, and you know that," He told her slamming his bedroom door behind him.

" Luka!" Susan called running after Luka.

He turned around and let out a sigh, " What is it?" He questioned looking into the eyes of a beautiful woman who couldn't be any older than twenty-eight. She had wavy auburn hair and blue eyes, and Luka just stood there staring at her, awe stuck.

" This is Natalie," Susan said breaking their silence, " She's the new nurse. I was wondering if you could show her around."

Luka shook his head, " No, I'm busy." But the truth was that he didn't want to come to terms with himself that Sam had left and she was never coming back.

" Please Luka," Susan pleaded him.

Luka sighed, "Fine."

Natalie smiled as Susan left, " So your Luka."

Luka nodded, and motioned for her to follow him, "I've got to go check on a patient."

Luka was cold to Natalie the rest of the day. It bugged him. Natalie's being there was proof that his Sam was never coming back. Susan was aware that he felt this way, and that's why she had asked him to show Natalie around. Possibly in hopes that there would be a spark because the truth was Natalie reminded Susan of Sam.

" I don't understand," Natalie told Chuny at the nurse's station, " He's been cold to me the whole day. I don't know what I did to bug him so much."

Chuny smiled, " It's not you hun. It's just he's upset because you took his fiancé's job."

" What happed," she questioned.

" She just up and left, and he hasn't heard from her or her son since."

" Is it his son?" Natalie asked.

Chuny shook her head, " Nope. She had Alex when she was 15. He's a great kid though. I have to give her credit. She did a good job."

" She had Luka. He must have been of some help."

" She just came here last year, so really she only had him for a year."

" Yeah. I guess."

Sam sat outside the hospital thinking. She didn't know what to do. What Alex had asked her earlier puzzled her. _"Why did we leave?" _And all she could think of as an answer was, _" I don't know."_ Was that a good reason to run away? Maybe she didn't do the right thing. Maybe she still loved Luka. There was no question though that she loved Luka. The really question was was she ready to commit. _Bring! Bring!_ Her phone rang she sighed and answered it.

" Sam?"

" Luka?" _Great! _She thought. _I never changed my cell phone number._

" Sam, are you okay? And Alex?"

Sam sighed, " Yeah we're both fine. Look Luka, I don't want this anymore." And with that she hung up her phone leaving Luka hanging mouth wide. There he had it. She didn't love him anymore.

" Luka?" Natalie questioned coming up behind him and putting a hand on his shoulder, " I was wondering if you wanted to got get some coffee, and maybe…just… talk."

Luka sighed, " I don't know."

" Oh come on. It can't hurt."

" Fine." He said grabbing his coat and taking her hand.

" Who were you talking to on the phone?" Natalie questioned as she looked over the menu. She looked over to him, but he didn't say a word he just kept his eyes fixed on the menu, " It was Sam wasn't it?"

Luka looked at her, " How do you know about Sam?"

" I've only been here for a short time, but I've learned… nurses gossip."

Luka laughed for the first time in a while, " You've got that right."

" So what did she have to say?" She took her coffee from the counter and took a seat at a nearby table.

" She told me to let go of her. She told me she didn't love me anymore." He shrugged, " You know, you would think that she knew I already understood that. It's hard. I still love her." Tears began to well up in his eyes, and he wiped them with the back of his sleeve, " I still love her. I will always love her."

" Did you tell her that?"

Luka shrugged, " It wouldn't make a difference."

Natalie gave him a smile, " You don't know that."

Alex pushed open the doors to the outside world and took a seat next to Sam who had tears running down her cheeks. He leaned in and hugged her, " Who was is mom?" He questioned motioning towards the cell phone in her hands. She didn't reply, so Alex rubbed her back gently in an effort to comfort her, " It's okay. You can tell me later, but anyway some nurse in there is calling for you." Sam nodded and stood up making her way inside.

It was funny to think that everyday Sam and Luka were doing the same thing. Saving people lives, but the main thing that was amazing was they spent the days thinking about each other, and how the other was doing.

Sam sighed and fiddled with the lock on her locker. She turned to Alex, " I'm never gonna be able to open this."

Alex laughed and walked over and tried to open the locker himself when he succeeded his mother looked at him and laughed, " So you've gotten smarter and practiced opening up lockers. Is there anything else you've been doing that I should know about?"

Alex laughed and Sam took his hand, " Come on Bud. Let's go. I'll get you McDonald's before we go home."

As they rounded the corner to the apartment Alex looked at Sam and then back down at the ground. _Who was that who called and got her so upset? _The thought puzzled him. _I wish I could help her somehow. All I want is for her to be happy._

" Call it!" Luka said slapping off his gloves and sighing. He turned to Natalie and she had a look of defeat on her face. He took her hand, " Don't worry. You'll get use to the tragedy."

" Oh thanks. Look, I was wondering if you wanted to go and get something to eat."

Luka shook his head, " Can't. I'm really tired, and well. You know."

Natalie nodded, " Maybe some other time."

" Maybe."

" Who was on the phone?" Alex questioned as his mother tucked him into bed for the night.

" What are you talking about?"

" When you were outside you were talking to someone on the phone. Who was it?"

Sam sighed, " Oh that. That was Luka."

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A/N: I hope you enjoyed it. Please Review, and look for the next chapter coming soon to ERHQ and 


	2. Chapter 2: The Middle of Nowhere

**What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life**  
**Chapter 2: The Middle of Nowhere**

A/N: I would like to thank everyone for their reviews. I've decided to write things differently from now on. I'm going to write the story here first and then on once the chapter's finished. This is to make sure that I update as often as possible. Anyway please R/R.

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Natalie stood by the door to the lounge listening contently to the conversation Luka and Susan were having inside. _Oh he's so cute. _She thought with a sigh. All she wanted was Luka to be hung up on her like she was on him, but the truth was that Luka needed to let go of his past relationships for that to be possible. 

Inside the lounge the room was dark except for the single desk lamp that was responsible for lighting up the entire room. Luka sat on the couch, and Susan sat next to him. Susan listened like a true friend should as Luka spoke to her of his problems, but the truth was that she had know idea what she should tell him to help ease his pain.

" She called today," Luka said running his hand through his hair.

" What did she say?" Susan questioned, now all ears.

" She told me that she didn't love me, and to leave her alone," He replied with a sigh.

" Oh I'm so sorry Luka." Susan took his hand, " Maybe she'll come around. You never know."

Luka smiled and shook his head, "I doubt it knowing Sam." He gave Susan one last smile before standing up to leave. " Natalie asked me out on a date. I mean, you don't think it would be wrong if I well... went? Do you?" He bit his lip knowing what Susan would tell him.

"She said she wanted to end the relationship. Your free again Luka. Your aloud to go out with anyone you want."

Those were the words Luka had been afraid of.

Meanwhile in New York Sam sat awkwardly in front of her computer. She sat there for a moment thinking if she was doing the right thing. It's not like he would be able to tell where she was staying. Right? She looked at her computer screen on last time before beginning to write...

_Dear Luka,  
I was just writin u to tell u that everythin was k and that Alex and I r fine. I'm  
Not going to tell u where we r because the truth is Luka. Luka, I can't do this. U  
know that we r fine, and that is all that matters._

_3,  
Sam _

She looked over the text making sure that everything was just how she wanted it before hitting the send button at the top of the screen. All she wanted was to tell him that she and Alex were okay, but she also longed to tell him that she missed him and that she loved him, still. Oh, but she couldn't do that. That would just lead to more and more problems. She sighed. Things were complicated, more than she could ever imagine.

The hostess sat Natalie and Luka down at a table for two and then poured water into each of their glasses. Natalie looked over to Luka and gave him a smile before the hostess spoke up, " Your server will be here with you momentarily."

Luka nodded and turned to Natalie, "So where did you work before you came here?"

Natalie gave him a slight smile, "I worked at Mercy, but I heard they had a job open here for a head nurse. I just couldn't turn down such a great offer. Plus, I heard that County had a few hot doctors. I guess I didn't hear wrong about that either."

" Yeah, I guess," he said rolling his eyes.

" Why, aren't we modest."

Luka looked up at her from his menu, " Hugh?"

Natalie shook her head and mumbled under her breath, "Never mind."

Luka could tell he was starting to get Natalie angry. Maybe it was because he couldn't keep his mind off of Sam and Alex and how they were doing. Maybe it was because... Who was he kidding? Of course she was angry because she was jealous of Sam. Who wouldn't be?

" You okay?" Luka questioned looking up from his menu at Natalie who seemed to be out of it at the moment.

" Yeah, Yeah."

" Look, If you want me to. I can leave."

Natalie looked up at the sound of that, " Oh no, you don't have to do that."

" Really, it's no problem."

_Oh, I'm sure it's not _

" You can leave if you want to," Natalie said with a sigh.

" I don't want to leave. It's just you seemed to get a bit annoyed earlier." Yeah, Luka had said he didn't want to leave, but the truth was he wanted to leave, desperately. He wanted to go home. Maybe try and get a hold of Sam again although he knew it was pretty much hopeless.

After a long and utter silence the waitress walked up to their table, " Hi, my name is Sam, and I'm going to be your server for the evening." _Boy. _Luka thought. _It's going to be a long night._

_Could this night get any worse?_ _It's not like I'm not already thinking about Sam enough. Oh, Sam. I wish you were here with me now._

Natalie gave Luka a slight smile and then began to speak, " Luka, are you okay?"

Luka nodded, " Grand."

" Well if you don't mind. I'd like to order," Natalie said in an arrogant tone of voice.

Shadows lingered on the walls of Sam's apartment, and it seemed as if for the first time in months that it was quiet at this early in the evening. Alex had finally began to make some friends, so he was spending the night at one of their houses. She sat up in her bed with nothing but Luka on her mind remembering good times and not so good times. Her eyelids grew heavy, and finally she was asleep.

Sam woke hours later to the smell of burning wood, but she just couldn't seem to arouse herself out of bed. With a sigh she put her head over her pillow with the thought of it being that someone just burned something in the apartment next to hers, and again she fell asleep.

Outside firefighters worked frantically to get the fire under control, but it was no use. It was still controlling itself, and nothing could stop it.

Choppers flew up ahead getting footage of the burning building, and still Sam was oblivious to what was happening to her apartment building.

"Is there anyone else inside?" One firefighter questioned.

" I don't know. I never saw the lady in the apartment next to me leave, and I am positive she came home for the evening."

The fire fighter nodded gathering up his team, and with that they were off to find Sam. That is if there was still a Sam to find.

Sam awoke for the first time knowing something was truly wrong. She looked around. Everything seemed to be in order, but there was something different. Something was really wrong. If only she knew what it was. She pushed herself out of bed and went over to the door in attempts to open it. It was at that moment that Sam knew what was wrong, and that scared her. She had been scared so many times in her life that there were to many to count, but for the first time in her life she was really scared for her life. With the thought of this she closed her eyelids. Even though she was in the middle of nowhere with now hope of being saved she prayed.

Luka looked at Natalie as they rounded the corner to her apartment. She seemed happy, enough, from what he could tell. Natalie walked over to the door and turned to Luka, " Do you wanna come in?" She questioned.

Luka shook his head, " No it's okay. I have an early shift tomorrow morning, and I should really get to bed."

" Are you sure you just don't wanna come up for coffee?" She questioned.

Luka sighed, " I told you. I have an early shift."

" Right," Natalie mumbled under her breath before opening the door.

After thinking for a moment Luka spook up, " You know, maybe I will take that coffee."

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A/N: I hope you enjoyed that chapter. Please review and look for the next chapter coming soon! 


	3. Chapter 3: Little to No Chance

**What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life?  
Chapter 3: A Little to No Chance**

A/N: Please R/R.

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Sam sat on the floor of her apartment with her knees held close to her chest. "This is great." She thought out loud trying to humor herself by the situation, "I never thought I would regret buying an apartment without a fire escape." When she bought the apartment, at the time, she didn't even think twice about the apartment's missing fire escape. She simply thought she would never have a use for it. That is except possibly standing out on it when the weather got nicer. With no fire escape and her apartment being on the second floor she was trapped. " At least Alex is at a friend's house. That's one thing to be thankful for. He's in no danger." She thought of Alex and how he would react if god for bid something happened to her.

She eased her back onto the wall, but quickly removed it as she felt the heat pulling at her skin. _If there was really a God, and he did perform miracles this would be the time to do it. _Her eye lids began to feel heavy, and at this point sleep was welcoming. She closed her eyes. _It will only be a minute. _But before she knew it she was asleep again on the floor of a burning building with only the possibility that help may be on the way.

Alex sat on the floor of his friend, Ryan's, living room. The news was on and Alex's eyes along with the whole Douglas family's eyes were fixed on it.

" _We're cutting to Beth who is live at the scene of an apartment fire." _

"_A fire erupted around 1 A.M. tonight in an apartment building at 6th and Chestnut. We were informed that everyone except a young woman has been recovered from the building. Officials are working to get her out as we speak."_

The woman's voice was factual as if she did not understand that someone's life was at stake here. All she did was her job, giving the news. If only she understood that that was someone's mother.

" I bet you it's her," Alex announced a tear running down his cheek. The whole Douglas family listened with batted breath, " We live here for, what? Eight months, and something already is going wrong?"

Ryan wrapped his hand around his friend in an effort to comfort him, " We don't know if it's her."

" Oh, I know it's her."

Mrs. Douglas looked at Alex sympathetically, " Is there anyone we can call to see if it's her?"

Alex shook her head, " All we can do is wait."

Sam could feel smoke enter her lungs as she sat there, motionless, waiting for someone to come to her rescue. She felt like a small child wanting to know that the evil witch in a fairy tale gets defeated and the princess lives happily ever after, but the truth was this was real life. It certainly was no fairy tale. Sam was living, breathing proof of that. Why was it that she was the only one left in the apartment?

After letting out a cough that rattled her insides, she stood up trying to see if there was possibly, anyway that she could get out by herself. She walked over the door and placed her hand on it. _Still hot._ She walked over to were the window once stood, but was now covered by debris. _If I had woken up sooner I wouldn't be in this mess. If anything I could have found some way to get out by the window._ She let out a sigh. There was no way she could move the debris by herself.

Outside, things were as hectic as ever. Everybody was wandering around this way and that. The Chief tried to keep everything under control. " Please stay back," he'd yell at the reporters who were trying to get a closer shot of the burning building.

" Have you found the woman?" One asked.

The Chief shook his head, " No not yet although rescue efforts still haven't stopped."

" Is there any chance that she may still be alive?"

There was a silence and then he spoke, " It's been four hours, and I'll tell you the fire hasn't gotten any better."

" So there's little to no chance of the woman getting out?"

_The chief nodded, " Little to no chance."_

_The camera turned to Beth, " Well you heard it here folks. Although rescue efforts continue to take place, there is little to no chance of the young woman we talked of earlier getting out alive."_

As Alex heard this tears began to well up in his eyes, " I can't believe this is happening." Ryan's mother took him in his arms and whispered encouraging things to him, " Can you bring me to the scene? I have to know if it's her."

_I wonder if Alex knows._ Sam thought. _Maybe he doesn't. I would hate for him to have to worry about me. _She took a deep breath._ Of course he's worried about me! He's my son, and I'm his mother. Plus, there is no way Alex is unaware to the situation with today's news. _Sam shook her head at the thought of it. The idea of people finding pleasure in other people's miseries? It just wasn't right. Somewhere in the world those people on the news have families that are worried sick about them. In this case her family was Alex.

She propped herself up against the back of the bed and wished that this had never happened. That this would all just disappear, and that life would go back to normal. She wished she had never left Chicago. She wished she had never left Luka.

"Do you know who the woman is? The one that's trapped?" Alex questioned running through the police barricades.

"I'm sorry son. You can't be in here," came the officer's reply.

" Do you know who it is?" He asked yet again.

" Please, leave."

" You don't understand. I think it's my mother."

The officer looked at him puzzled, " And how do you know that?"

" Trust me. I just…know."

Another hour passed, and Sam was slowly beginning to loose consciousness. She thought of Alex. He was probably outside the building by now looking for her or waiting for her. She thought of Luka and the day he proposed to her.

" _Sam, I loved you from the moment our eyes met. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Sam will you marry me?"_

" Yes, I'll marry you," came Sam's reply as it rung out into the dry, smoky, air. She looked around, " Luka, where did you go? Luka." She set her head back on the bed. Maybe she was just dreaming. Maybe Luka wasn't there beside her. That's right. Luka wasn't there beside her. He was still in Chicago, and she well she had left and was now in New York. That was right. She was in New York. She and Alex had moved there after Luka had proposed. Luka proposed.

"Yeah, that's her kid," Came the woman's husky reply, " But hey kid why aren't you in there with her?"

" I had a sleep over. Why am I telling you this?" Alex questioned a tear running down his cheek, " Do you think she's okay?"

" I don't know, but it would help if you could tell us her name."

Alex sighed and nodded, " Samantha Taggart."

" Okay. Is there anyone that we can call for you?" He asked giving Alex a sympathetic smile.

" Why can't I just wait here for my mom?"

" Why don't we call someone? Just in case." The chief stood up and said something to one of his men before proceeding to a nearby ambulance.

_Only a short time now Sam. _Sam told herself as she sat there alone for what seemed like eternity. _You've held out this long. Everything is going to work out. Everything is going to be okay. _She sighed trying to slow down her breathing to save her oxygen. She was too weak to move now, and if it weren't for the miracle that she had been praying for she would have been dead. She heard a voice. A voice she would never forget.

" You in there miss?" A loud cry came.

" Yes!" She whispered, " Yes!" But it was no use. She was too quiet. She needed to get their attention some other way. She looked around the room for something. Anything. Then she saw it, one of Alex's footballs under her bed. She reached for it and threw it with all of her might.

" Paul!" The voice from before said, " I think she's over here." They walked over towards Sam and knelt beside her before picking up their radio, " Engine 39 do you come it. Engine 39 do you come in?"

" Yes Paul, what is it."

" Ben, we found her."

A/N: I hope you enjoyed that chapter. I decided to make the chapters shorter so that I could have more chapters. Anyway please Review.


	4. Chapter 4: Whenever You Call I'll Be The

**What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life?**  
**Chapter 4: Whenever you Call... I'll Be There **

A/N: I would like to thank everyone for their reviews. Other than that please R/R.

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Alex sat impatiently in the back of an ambulance. He had just heard that they had found his mother and that she was still alive, but he also learned that she was in bad shape. Silently he titled his thumbs and whistled in attempts to make the time pass by quicker. Then he saw them. There were three or four of them coming out of the burning building. One of them had Sam over their shoulder.

" Mom!" Alex screeched as he ran over to where the fire fighter had gently placed Sam on a gurney.

"Give her some space." One of them said shooing Alex away, " Let the EMT's do their job."

How could they just tell him to give her space? She was his mother for crying out loud. Alex nodded and walked over to where Ryan and his mother sat.

"How is she?" Mrs. Douglas questioned.

" She doesn't look too good," Alex replied with a sigh.

" Got it!" The EMT announced after five minutes of trying desperately to get the tube down Sam's neck.

" Ok. Let's bag her," Said another. Alex looked over to where his mother lay motionless on the gurney. She looked so helpless as she laid there. He had never, in his life, seen her in such a condition before.

Alex turned to Mrs. Douglas, " Do you think she'll be okay?" He questioned.

Mrs. Douglas shrugged, "I'm not gonna lie to you Alex, I really don't know."

Just as she said that an EMT that had been working on Sam made his way over to were Alex was sitting. Alex took a deep breath before looking up at the EMT, " Is she going to be okay?"

The EMT nodded, " Yeah, she'll be fine as soon as she wakes up."

" How long will that be."

" We can't really tell right now. It could be as short as twenty minutes to as long as a day."

" But she's going to be okay?" Alex questioned with a sigh.

" She's going to be fine," he said with a smile.

* * *

Luka eased himself off the Natalie's couch and put on his coat that was slung over a chair in her kitchen. Natalie had long since fallen asleep as they were talking about work, and Luka did his best to make a silent departure. He looked over to her and she stirred a little bit before turning onto her side. After letting out a sigh of relief that he didn't wake her up, he shut the door, silently, behind him.

At work the next day, Natalie glared at Luka as he spook to Susan about one of his patients. She was furious with him for leaving her there on the couch with not so much as a goodbye.

"Luka?" Natalie started as she walked up to him.

Luka shook his head as he picked up his chart and walked off to exam two.

" Luka, did I do something?" She questioned running after him, " If I did, can you please tell me?"

" It's not you," He said with a sigh as he shut the curtain leaving her standing there, alone.

* * *

" Is there anyone we could call to come and get you?" A doctor questioned Alex as he entered the waiting area.

" Why can't I stay here with my mom?"

" She's going to stay here for about a week, and you would probably be more comfortable if you stayed over one of your friend's houses or something."

" I wanna stay here with my mom." The doctor gave him the look. It was oblivious that he had kids. " Fine, I'll just stay with my friend Ryan."

" Okay."

Alex was quiet for a moment, and the doctor started to leave the room, " You know what? Can you show me where the phone is?"

* * *

Luka let out a long sigh as he threw himself onto his and Sam's bed. It had been a long day with multiple traumas, and all he wanted to do was sleep. He let out a sigh and bent down to take off his shoes when the phone rang. 

_Who's calling me this late at night?_ He thought to himself._ It's probably Natalie._ He leaned over to pick up the phone, " Hello?"

" Luka?" Alex questioned his voice raspy from crying.

" Who is this?"

" Luka, it's me."

Luka sat up, " Alex? What's wrong buddy?"

" I don't know how to say this but there was a fire, and my mom got trapped."

" Oh my god! Is she okay?"

Alex nodded on the other side, " Yeah she's fine. I was just wondering if you could come to New York and watch me, and if you could..." he paused for a minute, " Be here for mom? She's misses you Luka."

_She misses you Luka._ Alex's words from earlier repeated over and over in his head as he started his Ford up and drove to the airport. Maybe this was their destiny. Maybe, just maybe, they were meant to be together. _Maybe, we're soul mates._ He shook her head. There was no question. They were soul mates. He remembered the first time he saw her and how instantly there was a spark.

He sighed as he turned off to the Exit that read **Chicago International Airport.** It was only a short time until he would see her again, and that's all he needed to know. Luka parked his car and made his way to the terminal. He had called earlier to book a flight, and now all he had to do was pick up the ticket and check his bags.

" What can I do for you sir?" The woman at the desk questioned looking up at Luka.

" I would like to check this bag." He said motioning towards the bag on the floor, "And I have to pick up my ticket."

"Name?" She said looking down at her computer contently.

" Luka Kovac."

She nodded, "Can I see your driver's license?"

Luka reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He looked around for a moment and then looked back up at the attendant, " I can't seem to find it."

" Well you need it to get on the plane."

Luka nodded and looked back down at the wallet and sighed. He reached into his pocket, but it was nowhere to be found. Then he remembered seeing it on his dresser as he was packing and how he had placed it in his carry on bag so he wouldn't loose it. _So much for not loosing it._ He thought with a laugh as he reached into his carry on bag and handed the card to the attendant.

The attendant nodded and handed the card and ticket to Luka, "Enjoy your flight." And with that Luka made his way to security.

As he sat down, he thought of Alex and how he was doing. _I wonder how Sam's doing._ He thought as he looked down at his cell phone to check for messages. No such luck. Then he dialed Sam's cell phone number. It was so familiar, yet it was so distant. It rang a few times before someone answered it.

" Hello?" Came the voice.

" Who's this?" Luka questioned a puzzled look spreading across his face.

" Who's this?" The voice asked more persistent.

" This is Luka. Look, is the owner of this phone around?"

" Do you know her son?"

" Alex?"

" Yeah." The voice replied, " How do you know Sam?"

" She's," he paused for a moment to think. What was Sam to him? A friend? His Fiance? His girlfriend, " I'm a friend of the family.'

" Hold on." Mrs. Douglas handed the phone to Alex, " It's some guy named Luka."

"Luka?" Alex questioned, " Are you coming?"

Luka sighed and nodded, " Yep. How's your mom?"

Alex laughed, " No better than the last time you called." Luka couldn't help it but he called almost every hour since Alex called him and told him about the fire, " You know. You don't have to do this."

" You know bud, whenever you call I'll be there."

" How is she?" Luka questioned the doctor looking at Sam's chart. He looked at her sleeping figure. She looked so peaceful.

The doctor took the chart from Luka, " Dr. Kovac, why don't you go wait in the waiting room, and let us do our jobs."

Luka sighed and nodded as he walked over to Sam's side and gently ran his hand through her hair and down her cheek, " Sam, we need you.'

A/N: The next Chapter is going to be set in the past when Sam first arrives in Chicago with Alex. I know that the chapters are short, but I don't wanna run out of things to write.


	5. Chapter 5: ER Match Game

**What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life?**  
**Chapter 5: ER Match Game**

A/N: Thanks everyone for their reviews. I'm going to try to make updates and chapters longer, but that does mean that I'm going to update less. Well I have nothing better to do than update...

* * *

3 years ago...

"Sam, we need you in trauma two." Weaver barked at Sam who was sitting at admit talking to Abby. Sam looked up startled by the call of her name, "Trauma two." With a nod to show she understood Sam was off.

While Sam dodged the gurneys that lined the halls of County, Luka worked intently on a man who had been crushed in a car accident. It was Luka's first day back after being in the Congo for six months, and he thought that he would be ready for anything that was flung his way. That is he didn't even think about _her._

Sam pushed open the trauma doors and slapped gloves on her wrists, "What have we got?"

Luka looked up to see whom the voice belong to only to find Sam standing there. Her hair was in loose curls around her face and she had a stethoscope slung over her shoulders. She wore a blue scrub top with a gray cotton shirt underneath and a simple pair of scrub bottoms. It was a casual look, but to Luka she seemed to glow.

The feeling that someone was watching her overwhelmed Sam and she looked up to face Luka. She gave him a smile and extended her hand, "I don't think we've met yet. I'm Sam, the new nurse. I started last week."

Luka nodded. Was it that obvious that he was looking? He gave her a smile and looked back down at the patient. She sighed and shook her head before putting her hand back down and getting back to work. _He seems... wrapped up in himself._

Conni sighed and looked at Sam, "That's Dr. Kovac." After hearing this, Luka looked up and glared at her. Conni let out a laugh, "Excuse him. He hasn't been here for a while. He must have left his manners back in the Congo."

Sam let out a laugh, and Luka looked up. She had a wonderful laugh. It was soft and heavenly. He didn't think he could ever here it enough. A loud beep erupted in the room and Sam spoke up, "He's in V-Fib."

"Shock him." Luka said starting compressions.

"Charging to 50" Haleh said reaching over and turning on the machine.

" Move your hands Dr. Kovac." Sam said motioning with her hands.

Luka moved his hands and mumbled under his breath, "It's Luka."

"Sorry, Luka. Clear!"

"It didn't work." Conni said looking up at the monitor.

" Charging to 100."

" Clear."

" Okay, he's stable. Let's get him to the OR," Luka said pulling up the sides of the gurney.

Sam put her hand up, "It's okay. I got it."

Luka sighed and slapped off his gloves, "Right."

As Haleh, Conni, and Sam wheeled the car crash victim up to the OR, Conni and Haleh looked at Sam and laughed. Sam, realizing that they were laughing at her spoke up, "What are you laughing at?" She questioned looking over at her fellow nurses.

"If I didn't know any better," Haleh said trying to contain her laughter " I'd say Kovac has a thing for you."

Sam looked at them, "What makes you think that."

" Luka." Conni said with a laugh, "He would never let somebody take over a trauma like that, especially the nurses. In case you haven't heard his philosophy yet, he owns the nurses."

"I thought he just- I don't know what I thought. I guess I thought that he didn't take control of his traumas."

"Luka, not taking control of his traumas." Haleh said shaking her head as they made their way to the OR check in, "I don't think I'll ever see a day. That is unless your there."

Sam hit her playfully, "Shut up!"

"What? It's not like he's not cute. To be perfectly honest you should call yourself lucky. Every gal in the ER wants him. I haven't seen him act so head over heals with someone other than when he talked about his late wife." Conni turned to Haleh for approval and Haleh nodded.

"His wife died? How'd that happen?"

" I don't know all the details, so you'll have to ask him yourself. That's not such a good idea though. You could get him mad. All I know is that he lived in Croatia and had a wife and two kids, and they all died during their civil war."

" That's terrible! I don't think I could spend a day without my Alex."

" Me neither. My kids are my life." Conni said with a smile, " But remember I never said he coped with it well."

" Why? What happened?"

" He keeps everything to himself."

" Who keeps everything to himself?" Luka questioned turning the corner and taking Sam's arm. He bent down and whispered into Sam's ear, " I need to talk to you. It's important."

" Oh nothing. Just nurse gossip," Haleh said trying to cover up what they were talking about.

Luka nodded and both he and Sam left.

Sam sat on the couch in the lounge and wondered what Luka wanted to talk to her about. Was she in trouble for the way she acted during the trauma? All she was trying to do was save the patient. Was that something she shouldn't have done? _Maybe he's going to ask me out, but I don't wanna have to deal with his past relationships. Haleh and Conni told me they thought he liked me. They're nurses, hence nurses gossip. _Sam looked up as Luka began to speak, "You did a great job in that trauma today."

Sam nodded.

" Look, I just want to apologize for the way I acted during the trauma. I don't know what came over me," Luka's voice was solemn. He looked at her seeing if she would give him any reassurance. She gave him a slight smile, and then Luka continued, "I guess I didn't give you such a great first impression. It's hard. You know? I just came back from the Congo thinking I'd seen everything. That I was ready for anything, but I guess I just got caught up in the idea of being back."

Sam nodded, "You didn't have a bad first impression at all."

" You must be lying."

" Nope." Sam said shaking her head, "Dr. Kovac, I can tell your a great doctor."

" Please call me Luka."

" Luka then." She said taking his hand. When she took his hand in hers he could feel sparks run up his arm, " You're a great doctor."

" I wish that was true."

" Trust me Luka, it is."

* * *

" You seen my mom?" Alex questioned Frank and he lifted his skateboard into his hands. 

Frank looked up at Alex and shook his head, " Sorry bud. Haven't seen her all day. You might wanna try the lounge though."

Alex nodded and opened the door to the lounge with a thud. Just as he was leaving Luka came up to admit. As he was clearing his name off the board he turned to Frank, "Who was that?"

Frank shrugged, "Who are you talking about?"

" The kid."

" Oh, Alex? That's Sam son."

" Sam as in the nurse? The new nurse?" Luka questioned a bit surprised, " Isn't she only like twenty five. I mean he looks like he's ten that means she must have had him when she was..."

Sam shoved a chart on the rack and turned to Luka, " 15, I was 15 when I had Alex."

Luka looked up startled by her presence. She still looked beautiful after being there for who knew how long. He sighed and took in her appearance, her soft, blonde curls, her petite figure, and her eyes. He would never forget her eyes. They were a deep chocolate brown. Sure, he'd seen many woman in his day, but she was the most beautiful he had seen in his life. Not only that, but he felt a spark between the two of them. _Don't be a fool Kovac._ He told himself. _A woman like that? There's no doubt that she's already taken._

" Frank, did you see Alex?" Sam questioned shaking Luka out of his thoughts.

Frank nodded, " Yeah, I sent him to the lounge because I wasn't exactly sure where you were."

Sam smiled, "Thanks Frank." And with that she was off to find her son.

"You got a good woman there Kovac. Not only is she beautiful and responsible she is also smart."

"What are you talking about?" A puzzled looked crossed Luka's face.

"I see the looks she gives you, and no doubt you return them," He smiled.

" No I don't." Luka said deigning the fact.

" Don't kid yourself Luka. You know it and I know it. Hey, the whole County staff knows it." He said with a laugh," Now all you have to do is claim her."

" Claim her?" Luka hated the sound of it. What did he mean? It almost sounded as if he was making Sam out to be some pair of shoes you can set bids for at an auction house. She wasn't a pair of shoes. That was for sure, but she wasn't like other girls either. She was one of a kind. She was Sam. She was his soul mate. She just didn't know it yet.

" Yeah, you know ask her out on a date."

Luka grinned, " You really think I should do it?"

" Sure. Why not."

* * *

Sam fiddled with the lock on her locker. She was yet to succeed in opening it by herself. _I'm never gonna be able to do this. _She thought with a sigh as she pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. Alex sat at the table waiting patiently for his mother so they could make their departure together. He had been working on his homework since he arrived at County. Only did he stop once to watch Carter stitch up a guy's head, and he was quite proud of himself for not getting so distracted. Carter on the other hand was not so pleased after Sam lectured him on why he shouldn't let a ten-year-old boy watch him apply stitches. 

"Yes!" Sam exclaimed as she opened her locker, " Finally." She was pleased with herself. You would be too if you did the impossible. That is in Sam's case.

Alex looked up at his mother's commotion, " You ready to leave?"

Sam nodded, " One more minute." She slung her jacket of her shoulders and wrapped her scarf around her neck. After grabbing the charts on the table, she took Alex's hand and they began to leave. Then they were stopped dead in their tracks by Luka.

" Oh Luka. Sorry," She said going around him.

" No actually I was looking for you."

"Who's this?" Alex questioned tugging on Sam's coat.

" Alex, can you go wait at admit for me?"

Alex nodded and left.

" What's up?" Sam asked looking down at her feet. She knew what he was going to ask. The only thing was she wasn't quite sure if she was ready to hear it yet.

" I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go out sometime."

" Yep. I was right," Sam mumbled under her breath.

Luka looked at her puzzled, " What was that?"

" Oh nothing."

" So?" He questioned now beginning to become uneasy.

Sam shrugged, " I don't know."

Luka nodded and turned around, " Oh."

" I have to check with Alex first. See if I can get him to go over a friend's house. You know what I mean?"

" Yeah. Do you want to work out the details later?" He asked, and Sam shrugged, " Just out of curiosity... Did Conni and Haleh talk to you?"

" About what?"

" You know what."

Sam nodded, " So what?"

" I think we were victims of an ER match game. Frank talked me into asking you out."

" You wouldn't have by yourself."

" I never said that." Luka said with a sigh, "It's just that he reassured me that I was doing the right thing. So are we still on for the date?"

" On one condition."

" What."

" This has to go somewhere. I don't want Alex to have to deal with another one of my breakups."

Luka sighed, " I think it will go somewhere. You know, I wasn't always so fond of these ER match ups, but hey, what can I say. I think for once they did a good job."

A/N: I hope you enjoyed that. Cause I enjoyed writing it. Other than that please review.


	6. Chapter 6: Just Admiring our Work

**What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life?**  
**Chapter 6: Just Admiring Our Work**

A/N: I would like to thank everyone for their reviews. Sorry it's been so long since my last update. I've been really busy, and what's really sad is the fact that I've has this written already and just never got a chance to post it. Anyway please R/R.

* * *

Leaning over to pick up a chart, Sam let out a sigh and looked up at the board. _Great! It looks like I won't get off till eight at this rate._

Just as she was about to get up she was stopped dead in her tracks by Abby," So Sam, you wanna tell me what's going on between you and Luka. You do know your the talk of the ER?"

Sam looked up at Abby and shook her head, " Don't tell me they've got you believing that gossip."

" What it's true isn't it."

" Ask Luka." Sam replied rolling her eyes and walking off with Abby hot on her heals. She turned and faced Abby, " You really wanna know?"

" Why wouldn't I?"

Sam shrugged, " Fine. We've got a date after our shifts tonight."

Abby jumped up and down like a little kid. She hugged her friend, " You go girl!" She squealed as she ran off to tell everyone else Sam's big news.

" You would think." Sam thought out loud, " That with everything that goes on in this ER they would have something better to talk about than Luka and I." She sighed and walked over to exam one.

" You got a point Sam!" Luka yelled as he ran by her a gurney by his side. Sam turned around and smiled at the sight of him, " We still on for tonight?" He questioned. Sam nodded. " Nine o'clock."

" Yep," Sam replied with a smile.

" Hey you two." Weaver barked when she saw the two talking, "Take it somewhere else, but take care of your patients first."

* * *

"Have fun tonight." Neela told Sam with a smile her English accent ringing out into the dry air. Sam nodded as she shut her locker and stood in front of Neela who looked her over, " I hope you weren't planning on wearing that." She said with a laugh as she went over to the counter and helped herself to some coffee.

Sam gave her a slight smile, "No, I'm going home now to take a shower and change."

" You better hurry," Neela said with a laugh.

" What are you talking about?" Sam gave her a puzzled look. It seemed like the whole ER staff was more aware of her date with Luka than she was.

" I heard you and Luka talking in the hall. He's coming to your place at nine, and now it's..." She paused for a moment and looked at the clock, " Eight thirty."

" This is great!" Sam exclaimed. She sighed and sat herself down on the couch, " Am I doing the right thing? It just seems as if, as if everything is bound to go wrong some way or another."

As she helped Sam up off the couch, Neela shook her head, " I can tell. You two are meant for eachother."

"You really think so?"

" I know so. Now go or you're going to be late," She said shooing her out of the lounge. After Sam left, Neela let out a sigh of relief. Why did they have to choose her to do the hardest job. Wait no, why did _he_ have to choose her to do the hardest job. Susan pushed open the door to the lounge and Neela turned to look at her, "So?"

" It's all good."

Just as Susan was getting ready to leave Luka walked through the door, " Have you seen Sam?" He questioned.

" She just left." Neela replied, " Now I would leave if I were you. She may be late, but you don't want to be. From what I heard you didn't have such a great first impression."

" You know. I already knew that. You didn't need to rub it in."

Neela let out a chuckle as she tried hard to contain herself, " It's all in good jest."

Luka shook his head and opened the door to the lounge. Just before he turned to make his departure, he looked at Neela, " Yeah, right."

* * *

As she ran her hands down the material of her dress, she let out a loud sigh. Everything was perfect. At least as perfect as it would ever get it. After about fifteen minutes of trying to tame her hair it was now just the way she wanted it, in loose curls around the outside of her face. She had applied light eyeshadow, eyeliner, and mascara to try to tone down her knee-length, black dress. A jet-black lace layer covered the black cotton material and stopped just below her bosom. The neckline was showy but not too showy, and she wore a silver locket around her neck. When she opened it there was a picture of Alex. 

She remembered the day Alex had presented it to her. He had told her how long he had been saving his birthday, Christmas, and any other money he could come by to purchase it for her. Alex had claimed at the time it was to pay her back for all the trouble he had caused in her life. She put her hand up in protest, for she wouldn't be able to live a day without him. To this day she wondered how she had spent fifteen years with out him.

There was a muffled knock on the door. Sam turned around startled. She had been expecting Luka, but she was too caught up in her own memories and thoughts. As she opened the door, Luka took a quick glance at her awe struck.

" These are for you," he told her giving her a bouquet of lilies.

She motioned him inside," Thank you. Their beautiful."

Luka took a seat at her counter as she put the flowers in a vase that Alex had made in school and few years ago. Sam could feel Luka's gaze on the back of her back, and she turned to look at him, " Where are we going?" She questioned.

" You'll see." Luka stood up and took her hand, " Come on."

" Oh, so it's a surprise?" Sam inquired raising her eyebrows.

Luka shrugged, " If that's what you want to call it. Come on. We're going to be late."

Sam placed her hand in his motioning for him to lead the way. As they came close to their destination, Luka leaned in close to Sam and whispered, " Close your eyes. I'll tell you when to open them." Sam obeyed. There was awkward silence, and then Luka spook up again, " So where's Alex staying?"

"His friend James' house." She replied, " Now, can I please open my eyes?"

" We only have a little longer. You'll just have to wait a little longer. I promise."

Sam let out a sigh of defeat. There was no use arguing with him, " Fine." She said slumping back into her seat.

" Why so glum?" Luka demanded with a laugh.

" Nothing. I just don't have any type of patience." She shook her head, " Never have. Never will." Sam could feel a slight jolt as Luka parked the car," Can I look now?

" Not just yet. Hold on." Luka leaned over and opened his door. He rushed over and opened his door, "Okay. Watch your step, and take my hand." He loved the way her miniature palm fit perfectly in his, " Just follow my lead."

Sam stepped up onto something and then she could feel them starting to ascend into the air. They were on an elevator, " Where are we?" Sam questioned although she knew Luka wouldn't tell her.

" I told you. I'm not telling you. Okay you can open your eyes. That is just till we get to the top." Sam opened her eyes and saw a flight of steps that lead to a door, " Come on." He said starting to walk up the stairs. Sam followed closely behind him and then closed her eyes when she got to the top. She could feel Luka taking her hand again, and she could feel her heart beating faster. He opened the door, and she could feel a gust of wind hit her face, " Okay you can open them."

" Oh Luka, it's beautiful!" Sam exclaimed as she saw the whole Chicago sky line in front of her. The sky was pitch-black except for the moonlight the streamed across the sky and hit a candle-lit table. Sam looked at Luka, " Luka, where are we?" As she asked him this, she heard the sound to sirens in the distance. She walked over to the edge of the building and looked down.

Down below she saw an ambulance as the EMT's, along with the help of some doctors and nurses, pulled a gurney out and rushed it inside. They looked like ants from where she was standing. A grin spread across her lips as she realized who they were, " That's Neela isn't it? And Susan? We're at County aren't we?" Luka nodded. She was silent for a moment as she looked at the sky, " I've only been up here during the day with Abby. I never realized how beautiful it was."

" Yeah, well so are you."

Luka took her hand and proceeded over to the table. They sat there for a moment, and Sam shifted from the uncomfortable silence. As the food came to the table, Luka gave her a smile, and she returned it. Dinner was elegant. Some type of chicken Sam didn't recognize and pasta.

" So much for being a fast food girl," Sam mumbled out loud with a laugh.

" What was that?"

" Oh nothing."

Luka's eyes wandered from her torso and finally they stopped at her eyes, " So where did you live before you came here?"

" Philadelphia and Baltimore before that. Alex and I move from city to city because I can never seem to find the right job. I mean money wise that is." She looked down at her plate, " I've always been a nurse, but it's hard, you know, to raise a child on your own." Sam hated that she had to lie to Luka, but the truth was she just didn't want to tell him the truth. That she was running.

"Where's Alex's father?"

Sam shrugged, " Steve? Beats me."

" Does he pay child support because if he doesn't you'd be surprised how much that helps."

" He does when he can or when I finally get so mad that I talk to a attorney about it and they force him to."

Luka nodded, " So he's not such a great guy?"

" I wouldn't say that." Sam paused for a moment. He was pushing too much on her. _Oh it's fine for him to ask me about Alex, but it would be wrong if I asked him about his wife and kids._ Sam thought about Conni's words from earlier. _"I don't know all the details, so you'll have to ask him yourself. That's not such a good idea though."_ " You know what? Your right. He's not a great guy. He's a drunk." Luka nodded, and Sam continued, "Conni was telling me that you lived in Croatia before, and were married."

"Yeah," Luka said with a sigh as his eyes cast downward.

_Good Going Sam! Now you got him upset!_

"I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was thinking."

"It's okay," he said with a sigh as he got up and walked over to the edge of the roof. Turning around and looking at Sam he said," You know, there were times after I came here that I would come up here and think about jumping." He had changed since he came to Chicago. People always talked about him having a bumpy ride, and he did. It was the first time he told someone about his notions.

And he was glad it was her.

He felt as if she was someone she could trust.

" You still don't think about it do you?' She questioned.

Luka shrugged, " Sometimes, but not so much. Only when I miss them." He motioned towards the sky.

She came up behind him, and wrapped her hands around him, " Well I'm glad that you don't because Luka. I haven't known you for long, but I care for you. Everyone here does.

But I do especially."

Luka gave her a smile, " Really?"

" Really."

Susan pushed the door open Neela, Abby, and the rest of the ER staff following closely behind her, " Are we interrupting something?"

Sam shook her head and gave them a puzzled look, " What are you doing here?"

Abby smiled, " It's a public area. You two can't just hog the roof."

"Susan!" Luka exclaimed glaring at her, " You had this all planned out didn't you? When you gave me the idea to have a date on the roof."

Susan shrugged, " What can I say? We just want to admire our work."

* * *

"Luka!" Sam called with a laughed as she rushed to meet Luka, "Wait for me." Luka turned around and looked at her petite figure rushing towards him.

He let out a slight smile and then took Sam's hand in his, "You look beautiful tonight... you know that?"

Sam smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek, " I always look beautiful." She announced with a laugh as she dipped her hand in the water.

" Don't do that or you might fall in."

" We'll you can save me."

Luka lowered his lip, " But that water looks awfully cold."

" Don't give me that look," she said giving him a kiss, " Come on I have to be home for Alex."

" I thought you said he was staying at a friends."

" Just till eleven."

"Oh," Luka mumbled.

" Suck it up." She said with a smile, " We'll have other dates, but right now you have to take me home."

* * *

" Thank you for a great night," Sam said as she opened the door to her apartment.

Luka leaned forward and planted a kiss on her tender lips, " No. Thank you."

As he did this Alex came to the door and rolled his eyes, " Get a room!" He exclaimed as he turned around and walked back into the apartment.

Sam tried to control her composure, but it was no use and she ended up cracking up. Luka following shortly after.

"See you tomorrow?" Luka questioned trying to calm himself.

Sam let out a laugh, " Tomorrow."

* * *

A/N: I hope you enjoyed that chapter. Other than that please review. 


	7. Chapter 7: Raise Your Voice

**What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life?**  
**Chapter 7: A Night on the Town, or Simply at Home  
**

A/N: I'm sorry it's been so long since my last update. From now on it will most likely update once a week being how busy I am. I started to write this chapter in POV because I wanted to see if it was any easier to write that way, but I found it wasn't so from now on I am going to continue to write in third person. Please R/R. Anyway…

* * *

Sam's POV

I always thought it foolish when people talked about having a sixth sense, but ever since that day in the trauma room things seemed different. Almost as if I had almost developed an intuition, for Luka.

As Abby and I stood at our lockers packing up for the day, I could feel Luka's eyes settle on my back. When I turned, he gave me a slight smile. I returned the gesture and continued my conversation with Abby.

" So I'll meet you at your place in a an hour?" She questioned as she placed her stethoscope in her locker.

I nodded and picked up my bag, " Yeah. I just want to take a quick shower first. Let's put it this way. It's been a long day."

" Tell me about it."

" Why? What was so bad about your day?" I questioned with a laugh.

She shrugged and gave me a smile, " I've been here for what? Fifteen hours and all I say was one patient. Of course they ended up dying in the end."

"That's sad."

"Don't rub it in," She said holding the lounge door open for me as I made my way out to where Alex was waiting for me in triage. A smile spread across her lips as we both made our separate ways.

Alex gave me a puzzled look, " Who was that?" He questioned.

I ran my hand through his hair, " Alex, you know Abby."

"That's Abby?" He said raising his eyebrows.

"What are you trying to say?"

"Nothing," came his quick reply.

I gave him a mischievous smile, " Trust me bud. She's too old for you."

"I never said anything."

* * *

As I applied my eyeliner, I could see Alex enter my room out of the corner of my eye. He sighed before he ungracefully plopped himself onto the bed. I turned my head startled and he gave me a smile. 

"What?"

"Nothing. You just scared me."

He shook his head, " So, where are you going?"

I made some final touch-ups before turning to him with my reply, " Abby and I are going to the mall."

Alex was silent for a moment as he sat there deep in thought. He sighed and shook his head, " Right, mom. I know you all too well. There's no way you are going to the mall on a Saturday night."

Reaching into the closet just outside of the bathroom doors, I pulled out a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans. I could tell me was waiting for me to reply, but I was just shell shocked by the fact that my ten year old son would say such a thing to me, " What's that suppose to mean?" I questioned as I went into the bedroom and sat beside him on the bed.

" Nothing."

I shook my head and motioned towards the door, " Get-"

"Out?" Alex questioned as he shut the door behind him.

Luka's POV

You would think that a person could never get board. That there were so many things to do in the world that it just wouldn't be humanly possible, but that just isn't the case. In fact I think I just beat the world record for being board. I let out a sigh as I ease myself onto the couch. The only thing on my mind is Sam. Sam. We only just met, but. it seemed as if Sam understands me. Maybe, just maybe, Sam is the one.

I reach over and pick up the phone that is not too far away. It rings three times and then I hear a hyper voice, " Talk to me?"

"Does your mom let you answer the phone like that?" I question with a laugh.

"Who's this?"

"I'm one of your mom's friends from work."

"You're Luka aren't you?" He paused for a moment, " Mom talks alot about you."

"I hope they're good things."

" Oh, trust me they are." Alex said with a laugh," Mom's out with some nurse named Abby tonight. Do you want me to take a message for you?"

"No it's okay."

"Hmmm. Would you like to come over? I'm home alone, and I could use the company."

"I don't think your mom would like that. Plus, you don't even know me."

" I can tell you're a nice guy, and I'll tell you. I think my mom would be more comfortable if you did stay here with me. You know almost like a baby-sitter, but you could also keep me occupied."

"Okay. Maybe."

* * *

Sam sighed as she slipped the blouse she had been trying on over her head, " You don't like it?" Abby questioned from outside. 

Inside the changing room, " Nope. I'm telling you. I'll never find something I'll fall in love with."

" We haven't even been shopping for an hour yet, and you're already giving up?" As she shook her head, Sam pushed the door open, " You didn't even let me see it."

" It didn't fit."

" I could get you another one."

" I just don't like it," Sam started to say her voice starting to raise.

" Okay. Don't have a fit. Now calm down, and we can go to New York."

"Fine," Sam mumbled under her breath.

* * *

Luka could feel the rain pounding on his back as he stood outside the front of Sam's apartment building. He hesitated for a moment before finally pulling the door open and making his way upstairs to Sam's floor. A feeling in his gut told him that Sam would give him her thoughts about the whole matter when she returned, but he told Alex he would come over and hang out with him. 

And he planned on keeping his word.

As he knocked on the door, he could hear the rat-tat-tat of Alex's bare feet on the cold ceramic floor. There was a moment of utter silence before Alex undid the chain that kept him from opening the door and took a first glimpse at the man that stood in front of him. " So you're Luka?" He questioned raising his eyebrows.

Luka smiled, " And I take it that you are Alex."

" You got that right." he said with a laugh as he took in Luka's deep Croatian accent, "So you mom says your a doctor at County."

Luka nodded.

As he motioned Luka inside, Alex continued, " And a pretty damn good one at that."

Luka could feel his cheeks starting to blush, " I wouldn't say that."

" You must be a good doctor. I mean I've never seen her talk so highly of someone. That is doctor. Most of the time she's just bitchin' about them. How they think that they own the nurses and all that stuff. You should take it as a complement." Alex commented with a shrug," So? Do you like video games?"

" Yeah. What do you have?" He questioned.

" PS2."

" Sounds good."

* * *

After two hours of shopping with still nothing to show for it , Abby and Sam made their way to the parking lot to retrieve their car. 

As she pulled open the door, Abby turned to Sam, " How late can you leave Alex?"

Sam shrugged, " He'll be fine until I get home."

"Can you stay out a bit longer?" Abby questioned with a grin spreading across her face showing her strait white teeth.

"Why? What did you have in mind?"

"That's the thing. I can't tell you."

"Fine." Sam shrugged, "I don't see why not."

Sam ran her hand through her hair as she leaned back into her seat. Abby had the radio blasting resulting in Sam beginning to get a headache. She sighed, " When are we going to be there?" Sam questioned.

"Just wait."

" I hate waiting."

Abby let out a chuckle, " You sound like an impatient child on Christmas morning. All you have to do is wait for like fifteen more minutes. I promise." She leaned over and played with the switch on the radio in hopes to find a better station, but she had no success," I swear we need some new stations in Chicago."

"Well maybe if you would just settle with one for a while you'll find one that you like, and you call me impatient."

" That's different."

"No it's not," Sam defended.

" Just quit while you're ahead Sam," Abby said as she rolled her eyes.

* * *

Luka and Alex had situated themselves in front of the television playing PS2 for the past three hours. They did not get up once. Not even to answer the phone when it rang. Of course this was to Sam's dismay because she had been the one who was calling to check up on Alex. She figured his hands were just tied up though. Being that she had successfully left Alex home alone for a long period of time. 

At the time, Luka had questioned Alex whether he should get it, but Alex just shrugged his shoulders completely ignoring Luka's comment. So they sat there playing games and talking amongst themselves.

" You ever been in love before?" Alex questioned as he turned to Luka.

Luka sighed and nodded, " Before I moved to Chicago, I lived in Croatia. That's a country in Europe."

" I know where Croatia is."

" That's good because many people don't. Anyway as I was saying I lived in Croatia until the Civil war became too violent to bear. It took my family in the process."

" You had a family?"

Luka nodded, " I had a wife, Danijela, a daughter, Jasna, and a son Marko. I lost them all." He paused for a moment and sighed, " So I came here. Look, I don't feel so comfortable talking about this. Is there anything else we can talk about?"

" You hungry?"

" Why? Are you? Do you want me to order us a pizza or something?" Luka said with a laugh.

" Could we go out for pizza?" Alex questioned a grin spreading across his face.

" That's not such a good idea. What happens if your mother comes home and you're not here? She'd have a fit." Luka stood up and walked over to the cordless phone that sat in the kitchen.

Alex turned to him, " That's her problem."

" Look. I said no. I'll order a pizza."

" Fine! God! Geez!"

* * *

As Abby pulled into the parking lot Sam was greeted by a sign that read O'Maley's Pub: Karoke night on Friday. _Shit!_ Sam thought. _Why does tonight have to be Friday?_

" You're not going to make me do this are you?" Sam questioned Abby as they walked into the pub. It was lively, and currently a middle-aged man stood on a stage that was in the center of the bar. He was singing a song Sam did not recognize.

" It's not going to be fun if you don't do it."

" But I don't want to."

" Come on! You haven't even tried it yet." Abby said as she took Sam's hand and led her up to the stage after the man had exited, " What song do you wanna do?" She questioned as she looked at the list, " How about Ironic."

"Don't know it."

" Love Shack?"

" Nope. Don't know that either."

" I'll be Missin' You?"

Sam shook her head.

" I think I'm starting to catch your drift." Abby turned to the man who was working the karoke machine, " We'll do Hey Mickey." The man nodded and the music began to fill the expansion of the bar, " Oh Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey! Hey Mickey!" Abby's voice boomed through the microphone to the rest of the room. She leaned over and nudged Sam, " Come on. It's fun."

" I don't wanna."

"...Cuz when you say you will, It always means you won't. You're givin' me the chills, Baby please, baby don't! Every night you still leave me all alone, Mickey!" Abby gave Sam a pleading look, " Don't make me make a fool of myself all by myself.

Sam sighed and began to mumble as she looked into the screen that displayed the words, " ...Now when you take me by the hooves, Who evers gonna know? Every time you move, I let a little more show! There's something you can use, So please don't say 'no' Mickey!"

Abby smiled and Sam and Abby chorused together, "...Oh Mickey, you're so fine,  
You're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey! Heh, Heh, Hey Mickey!"

* * *

" I hate pepperoni!" Alex screeched as Luka placed his piece of pizza in front of him. 

" Just take it off."

" It's not the same."

Luka sighed and rolled his eyes, " I've only known you for not even five hours, and you're so comfortable that you can complain to me on getting pepperoni on the pizza?" He questioned with a laugh.

" I knew I'd be comfortable around you since mom told me about you. That's why I invited you over."

" That's good to know."

" You know, I don't take to people too well normally."

Luka laughed, " See, I would think differently."

* * *

Sam placed her keys on the table in the entranceway of her apartment as she made her way into the living room where she saw Luka and Alex laying fast asleep on the couch. They looked so peaceful lying there together. 

And she hated to have to wake them.

She walked over and eased herself down on the chair beside the couch as she ran her hair through her young sons hair, and then the man laying beside him. Still she was unsure of how he may have ended up there, but at the moment she could care less. _I guess there's no harm in letting him staying the night if he stays on the couch. _Sam told herself. As she stood up, she reached behind her for the throw that was draped g over the back of the armchair.

She shook is out and shook it gently as she laid it over to two sleeping forms. The sound of the sigh filled the room and Sam retreated to her room leaving the two fast asleep on the couch.

_Oh Mickey, what a pity,  
You don't understand!  
You take me by the heart  
And you take me by the hand!  
Oh Mickey, you're so pretty  
Why can't you understand?  
It's guys like you, Mickey!  
Oh, what you do, Mickey  
Do, Mickey,  
Don't break my heart, Mickey!_

* * *

A/N: I hope you enjoyed that chapter. Anyway please review, and look for the next chapter coming soon! 


	8. Chapter 8: Even the Best Fall Down

**What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life?  
Chapter 8: Even the Best Fall Down  
**

A/N: Sorry it's taken me so long to update. I've been really busy lately. Anyway please R/R.

* * *

Sam could hear the heavy pounding of footsteps as she sat up in the darkness of her room. The door opened, and she could hear Luka slam the door behind him. Then she heard nothing. She was left with nothing, but complete silence. 

She didn't know why, but when she came to the realization that Luka had left, she could almost feel herself breaking down. As if he had taken a part of her with him. The feeling that was present when he was there was indescribable. It was almost as if-when he was there- that she was safe from the world outside those apartment doors.

As she pulled the covers closer to her face, she let out a sigh and looked over to the digital clock the read 5:15 beside her bed. _Hmmmmmm._ She thought as she laid her head back on the pillow. _Only four hours until my shift starts. Got to get up Sam. Take a shower. Make breakfast. Wake…Alex…Up-._ But before she could finish her thought sleep came.

" Come on mom," Alex said into Sam's ear as he plopped down on top of her.

" What time is it?" Questioned Sam.

Alex shook his head, " It's seven. Come on. If you don't get up now you'll be late for your shift, and I'll be late for school." He looked at his watch, " I mean later than I already am." He mumbled under his breath.

Sam stood up and gave her son a slight smile before proceeding to the shower. When she had finally finished her shower and had gotten dress and ready for the day, Alex was standing by the door with his backpack slung over one shoulder. He looked puzzled. His mother normally would never arrive late for a shift back when they lived in Baltimore. Now it was as if every morning she would wake up late deep in thought.

Today was no different, but today when he awoke Luka was still there.

He wasn't quite sure why his mother let the man she barely even knew stay the night. It was so unlike her, but lately she was doing things he never would think of her doing before. Of course he saw the way his mother looked at Luka. It wasn't like he was completely oblivious to it, but this was different. He had never seen his mother in the state he saw her in the past few weeks.

She was clearly in love.

"Ready?" Sam questioned shaking Alex out of his thoughts.

Alex looked up to Sam surprised, " Yeah. Remember, I was waiting for you."

She grabbed her purse and her car keys and looked back at Alex as she raised her eyebrows, " Don't go sassing of to me."

" I was so not sassing."

" Don't argue." She smiled, " It's no use. I will always win."

* * *

Sam tapped her fingers impatiently on the steering wheel of her old Accord as she waited in traffic. _Great!_ She thought. _Now I'm going to have Kerry up my butt for the whole day for being late!_ They had gotten a late start, and not only was Alex late for school, but she was going to be late for work. _I'm defiantly going to have to thank Abby for that girl's night out last night_ She thought as she took a sharp turn into a parking spot and shifted the gear to park. 

After leaning back to get her bag she made her way into the hospital and into the lounge. It was dark, and Sam was oblivious to the figure that had sprawled their self out on the couch. She through her bag in her locker and walked over to help herself to coffee.

" I take it you had a late night?" The form questioned sitting up and startling Sam.

Sam turned to see whom the voice belonged to and rolled her eyes, " Ray, what makes you say that?"

He let out a laugh, " Your late." He paused for a moment and looked her over, " Plus, you look exhausted."

" Well I am. Abby kept me out all night. We went to a karaoke bar."

" Boy I wish I was there."

Sam shook her head and walked over to the door that led out into the hallway, " Trust me, you're lucky you weren't."

" Oh and Sam?" Ray said and Sam turned around, " Kovac is looking for you. Said it was important."

As Sam turned the corner and the admit desk clearly came into view, she heard Luka's deep Croatian accent as he talked to Chuny and Haleh. He looked no better than she did. She was sure Alex had given him a rough time while she was out, and all that contributed to was the rumors of the ER. Of course that was much to Sam's dismay.

"What have we got?" Luka question Haleh as he set down his clipboard on the rack.

" Multiple MVA's coming in."

" ETA?"

" Four minutes."

Luka nodded and turned to Sam as he felt her presence enter the admit desk. She looked tired, yet in his mind she had never looked better in his life.

"You wanted me?" Sam questioned with a smile as she saw Luka watching her intently. She loved the way he stared at her for hours. She loved the feeling that shot up and down her spin as she felt his eyes slowly scanning her body as he took in every little bit of her.

And she knew he got the same exact feeling when she looked at him.

Luka nodded, " Yeah. This creep was here earlier asking for you. I told him that I'd make sure you got his message."

" Do you know who it was?"

Luka sighed and nodded, " Said he was Alex's father."

Sam gave him a fake smile as she turned and walked back into the lounge. All she wanted to do was hide. Curl up in a ball and hide and never come out. He had broke her heart so many times, but what really bugged her was the fact that every time he showed up she had to be the one to break Alex's heart.

By telling him that they were leaving, or by telling him that his father had left in the middle of the night. And she hated telling him both.

" Shit Steve." Sam thought out loud, " How did you find us this time?"

Luka knew that Steve's being in town was bugging Sam, and the thought of her being upset was on his mind all day. She had been distant with him all day. She had been distant with everyone all day, and it scared him. Sam wasn't herself. For once she looked scared. She looked helpless. He had always known her to stand on her own. She always had this spunk about her, this attitude telling anyone off who shot a look her way.

He let out a laugh. Hadn't it been only two days ago that she had ripped off Romano's protostetic arm for hitting on her. Just as he was about to turn and leave the lounge to go home for the night he heard the door swing open and heavy footsteps on the floor. He turned around and saw Sam standing at her locker.

He smiled and walked over to her, " You okay?" He question as he wrapped his arms around her.

She pushed herself out of his embrace and nodded, " Yeah. Just great. Now I get to go home to my son who is probably hanging out with his drunken father. And guess what!" She said sarcastically in an excited tone, " Next week I get to tell him why his father left us." She took in a deep breath and sighed, " Again."

" He's that bad isn't he?"

Sam shook her head, " You don't know that half of it."

* * *

As she opened the door to her apartment, Sam was welcomed by the pungent smell of alcohol and the pitter patter of Alex's bare feet on the cold wood of the kitchen. He looked worn down. Like he hadn't slept in days. 

"Guess what?" Alex said enthusiastically.

Sam ruffled his hair, " What?"

" Dad's taking me back to Florida with him."

Sam looked up startled and walked over to Steve's drunken figure on the couch, " He is?" She shook him gently, and he jumped up startled. His eyes were like fire as she looked into them.

He pushed her arms off of him, " Why'd you wake me? This better be important bitch. I'm tired, and I need my sleep."

" You wouldn't think that if me or some other woman was lying beside you, " Sam mumbled under her breath.

"What was that?" He questioned angrily, " Don't give me that smart-ass attitude."

" You're taking Alex to Florida with you?" She questioned eyebrows raised. She didn't want to fight with him. Yet. Not in front of Alex. Even though she knew that his father was a bad guy. No a terrible guy.

He didn't need to know that.

" That's what I intended on doing. Is that alright with you bitch?" he questioned getting up and walking over to the refrigerator and taking a beer, " You can stay here and sleep with that Kovac dude. I don't give a damn about what you do. All I want is my son."

She walked over to him and took it from him, " Don't drink that in my apartment, and don't you dare even drink in front of my son." She set the beer on the counter, " And who told you about Luka. And-"

He cut her off and took the beer off the counter and took a sip, " You know. He's my son too."

" Oh trust me I wish he wasn't, " She took the beer and poured it down the sink. Now it was getting hard to gain composure.

" You think that's a bad habit? What about you having sex in the bedroom next to were your son is sleeping?" He questioned his voice heavy with liquor.

" I never said I was sleeping with Luka!" She screeched making Alex aware of the bickering in the other room.

" Oh, and I'm to assume that you aren't?"

" Don't make assumptions about me, Steve Curtis. If we are to start making assumptions."

" Don't avoid my question. Are you sleeping with him?"

" What does it matter if I am? You said you didn't care if I was all you want is Alex."

He was silent for a moment. Then he walked over to her and put his hands on her waist, " But I do care. I love you Sammy."

_But I do care. I love you Sammy._ The words repeated over and over again in her head. She couldn't get them out. The words had always got to her head. _Maybe he'll stay this time._ She thought. _I don't care if you stay here and sleep with that Kovac dude._ But yet again he said he didn't care what she did. He was just trying to get to her.

And he was.

_Damn._ She thought. _Maybe I'm more messed up than he is._

" You left us. You always leave us." She choked the words out for once in her life she was able to stand up to him, " I want you to leave. I want you to leave and never come back to see Alex or me." She was near tears by now, " I want you out of our lives."

He didn't move. He was just simply surprised. She never talked to him in such a manner. Nobody ever talked to him in such a manner.

Maybe leaving was the right thing to do.

He shrugged and turned to leave.

" Your going to leave that easily?" She questioned.

He shrugged, " I guess Alex is better off here."

Sam felt a feeling of relief rush over her. Maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all.

As Steve gave Sam one last farewell kiss on the cheek and opened the door Alex came running into the kitchen from his room, " Don't leave me." He said clinging to Steve's foot. He felt just like a little child again begging yet again for his father not to leave him.

Steve looked down at his son, " I have to Alex. You know I wouldn't be able to take really good care of you."

" But dad."

Steve shook Alex off his foot and stepped outside the door, " Bye bud. I love you." And with those final words he shut the door behind him.

Alex looked at his mother, " You selfish bitch! You made him leave." He shook his head and marched off to his bedroom slamming the door behind him.

_Is that what you are Sam? A selfish bitch?_

* * *

Sam had tears running down her eyes as she sat on the couch in utter silence. Alex had been in his bedroom for four hours now and she didn't know what to do. So she did the only thing she could do. She called the only person who would comfort her. The only person she could turn to. 

She called Luka.

" Hello?" Luka answered his voice groggy.

" Luka?"

" Sam is that you?" He questioned.

" I need you."

Luka sat up, " I'll be right over."

As he reached Sam's door, Luka hesitated for a moment before lightly knocking. Within a minute Sam was standing in front of him. Her face tear stained.

_Even the best fall down sometimes  
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme_

" How long had he been in there?" Luka questioned looking over to the door of Alex's room.

Sam shrugged, " He's been in there ever since Steve left."

Luka sighed and gave Sam and comforting smile, " Don't worry. He'll have to come out eventually."

Sam laughed, " We don't know that."

Luka was silent for a moment, " I love that sound."

" What sound?"

" Your laugh."

He leaned her back and kissed her, " I can't do this Luka. Not while Alex is upset. Not while Alex is upset in the other room." She told him pushing herself out of his embrace.

_Out of the doubt that fills my mind_

Luka sat up startled, " I'm so sorry."

Sam shook her head, " It's not you. I just don't want to do this. At least not yet anyway." She was silent for a moment, " I didn't do anything wrong with Alex? Did I?"

" No. Not at all."

" Good." she looked into his eyes, " Then he can't get too mad if I do this." She leaned in to kiss him.

_I somehow find  
You and I collide_

Sam and Luka crept down the hallway unnoticed except for the muffled sound of their kissing. With a creep the door to Sam's room opened, and the two were left together in the dark room.

"You know you don't have to do this," Luka said planting a kiss on her lips as he eased her back onto the bed.

Sam gave him a smile, " It's ok. I want to."

He ran his finger through her hair and gave her a kiss, " Your beautiful you know that?"

_I don't want another pretty face  
I don't want just anyone to hold  
I don't want my love to go to waste  
I want you and your beautiful soul_

* * *

A/N: I know _Beautiful Soul_ was not the best song choice for this, but hey I like it. That's the beauty of being the author you get to choose what goes in the story and what doesn't. Anyway please review and check for an update soon! 


	9. Chapter 9: If God Made You

**What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life?**

**Chapter 9: If God Made You**

A/N: If no one replies to this update I'm going to stop posting it here and only post it on ERHQ. So if u want me to continue posting here at fanfiction reply…

_

* * *

The dawn is breaking  
A light shining through_

" Hold me," Luka heard Sam whisper into his ear as she lightly caressed his cheek. He could feel her pulling herself closer to him as she ran her hand through his hair. If only she could understand how he was feeling at the moment. If only she understood the last time he felt like this was when he was with Danijela.

" volim Te," Luka mumbled under his breath as he gave Sam a kiss on the lips.

" What was that?" Sam questioned with a giggle.

" What?"

" What did you say?"

" Nothing."

Sam looked at him with beady eyes, " You did too say something."

Luka gave her a kiss, " But I thought you like me better when I don't say anything."

Sam laughed and ran her hand over his masculine chest, " Oh trust me... I do."

_You're barely waking  
And I'm tangled up in you_

Luka awoke the next morning to the warmth of the mid-day, December sun's rays. Slowly, he opened his eyes and took in his surroundings before coming to the realization that he was in Sam's bedroom. _Sam. _He thought.

He flipped his position so he could look at her sleeping figure, the sheets drawn around her bare torso and her hair spread around her hair to create the allusion of a hallo. She looked like an angel laying there peacefully in her dream filled slumber.

He reached over and ran a hand through a lock of her golden curls before planting a small kiss on her forehead. Gently, as not to wake her, he pulled himself closer to her and pulled her into his embrace. Then he lightly ran his fingers up and down her back. She began to stir, but he hushed her coaxing her back to sleep.

All he wanted was for her to be there with him forever.

_It's her hair and her eyes today  
that just simply take me away  
and the feeling that I'm falling further in love  
makes me shiver but in a good way_

Luka could hear Sam's light laugh as he entered the ER through the ambulance bay doors. He stood there for a moment taking in her sheer beauty. The way her curls bounced playfully around her face, and the way her eyes were glazed as they began to tear from laughing so hard.

" Luka," Sam said turning to him in a fit of giggles. She ran over to him and put her hands around his waist just before he wiped a tear from her eyes.

" What's so funny?"

Sam shook her head, " You had to be there." She was silent for a moment as she thought then she raised her eyebrows, " Aren't you on in like... four hours."

Luka leaned down to her level and shrugged, " I was board. Plus-" He gave her a kiss, " I needed to see you."

" Well I'm off in like five minutes. You wanna go and get a coffee or something later?"

Luka nodded, " I'll meet you in the lounge in like five minutes."

" Sounds good," she said giving him one final kiss before he retreated to the lounge.

" Get a room!" Morris said walking by Sam.

Sam rolled her eyes," Screw you Morris." She said following after Luka.

_All the times I have sat and stared  
as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair _

As she pulled out a chair, Sam looked at Luka and smiled. She loved the way his eyes glazed over every time he saw her smile. She loved the way his white teeth showed through his lips when he gave her an uttermost sincere smile.

She simply loved everything about him.

" I missed you." She said running her hand through her hair with a smile, "I wish you didn't have to go to work tonight." She leaned over to give him a kiss; " You've worked like the late shift every night this month."

He leaned over and took her hand, " Don't worry. This is my last late shift for a while.

Sam smiled and hit him playfully, " It better be."

" Is that a threat?"

Sam shrugged, " If that's what you want to call it." She gave him a puppy dog pout, " I just want to be with you. That's all."

_As she purses her lips  
bats her eyes  
and she plays with me  
sitting there, slack-jawed and nothing to say _

Luka took Sam's hand and peaked it slightly, " Come on. I have something I want to show you." She slowly rose to her feet and he helped her put on her coat before ushering her out of the coffee house, " I found this place when I first came to Chicago, and I have to say I think deserve to see it." He told her as he lead her down the dark street. Snow was swiftly starting to fall and blanket the Earth.

" It's snowing..." Sam said with a sigh as she leaned into the warmth of Luka's chest.

" Don't' worry we're almost there," He told her with a smile.

_Cos i love her with all that i am  
and my voice shakes  
along with my hands_

_Cos she's all that i see and she's all that i need  
and I'm out of my league once again _

" Oh my God! Luka it's beautiful," Sam leaned over and gave Luka a kiss.

" I know... just like you." He was silent for a moment and sighed, " volim Te." He mumbled under his breath.

Sam looked up to him and gave him a kiss, " I love you too."

_If God made you he's in love with me._

* * *

A/N: I know that was like super super short, but I've had major writers block lately so bare with me. 


	10. Chapter 10: Surrender

**What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life?  
Chapter 10: Surrender**

A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update. I've had terrible writer's block. Also, due to the lack of reviews here I am thinking about not updating here. So if you would like me to continue updating here I need at least three reviews from different people for each chapter. Other than that please R/R.**  
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Snow fell swiftly outside as Sam watched the rise and fall of Luka's chest contently. She ran her hand through his dark locks and slowly pulled her body so she was on top of him. Her hair was draped over her face and he reached up to lightly caress her cheek. Every time he touched her a shiver ran down her spine. All she wanted was for this feeling to last forever. This feeling of sheer love that she felt when he was in her presence. It amazed her: the way she could get lost in the sea of blue-green that was his eyes. Hours would pass by and they would just lay there staring at each other.

But she knew there was no way this was going to last forever.

"A penny for your thoughts?" Sam said as she slowly eased herself down to his level to plant a kiss on his forehead.

"Hmmmm?" He questioned as he squeezed his eyes shut taking in her scent. Slowly, he ran his hand through her large mass of golden curls.

"It means: what are you thinking about," Sam continued after not getting a reply from him for a few moments. As she released herself from his grip, she could hear his uneasy breathing. He was uncertain of how to answer her question, for many things filled his head at that very moment.

He pulled her down to him once more and kissed her lovingly as he wrapped his arms around her petite frame, " Nothing in particular."

She smiled, "Oh come on! You must be thinking about something."

He was beginning to become uneasy, and Sam could see him glaring at her with no feeling whatsoever.

"Just a patient I had today. It's nothing too important."

She sighed. They weren't getting anywhere this way. It seemed as if he wasn't telling her something. It almost seemed as if he wasn't telling her anything and was holding it all inside. He knew everything there was to know about her. He knew about Steve, and he knew about her running every time the bastard found her and her son. But unlike her, Luka had a tendency to keep everything inside. She had not only learned this from Abby, but had also experienced it herself.

"It must have really gotten to you though. You haven't said anything since you got home," she mumbled into his mouth, and slowly the whole conversation was dropped as their tongues became entangled together. Sam sighed. She was about ready to pull her self up from where she lay on top of him, but he was much stronger than her and pulled her down closer to himself. Why is this your answer to everything?

Sam rested her head on Luka's masculine chest and let out a stifled yawn, "Tell me about them," she said as she ran her hand down his abdomen and stopping just before where the sheets were now tightly wrapped around him.

"Who?" He questioned as he pulled the covers farther up his chest.

Sam sat up and slowly leaned onto one arm as she slid herself under the covers to join Luka, "Your wife."

"It was a long time ago. I really don't want to talk about it," was his muffled reply, his eyes not meeting hers.

"Just tell me one thing," she said drawing the covers closer to her body.

"What?"

"What was her name?"

He was silent for a moment as he thought over the previous years of his life. All the years that he had gone through without them, and all the years he had been with them. _All these years of trying to forget my past and finally, it's happening. But to what expense to myself? Am I to lose the good memories too?_ Sam sat and watched him, puzzled, as she awaited his answer. But no words came out.

The only thing he could think of to say was, "I love you, Danijela."

Sam was silent. She had finally gotten the answer she had wanted.

_I know you think that I shouldn't still love you  
I'll tell you that   
But if I didn't say it  
Well, I'd still have felt it  
Where's the sense in that? _

Sam could feel Luka place his hand on the small of her back, but she no longer felt the shiver that she had felt before. There was no purpose in this relationship if he was still in love with Danijela, and that was something that was clear to Sam. It screamed out to her.

_Sam he can't love you if he still loves Danijela with all his heart!_

"You okay?" He questioned with a slight smile as he pulled her into his embrace, "You know what I said earlier? It was a slip of tongue. I'm sorry. You know I love you Sam." She said nothing and looked away. "You do, don't you?"

Sam shrugged, "But you still love her Luka. I can see it in your eyes. You care for her more than you care for me, and the most important part of a relationship is being there for each other." She sighed, " How am I suppose to look out for you and help you if you won't even tell me about her? About your family?"

Luka's smile faded, "You know that's not true Sam. I love you and only you. Danijela is the past: my past."

Sam twisted her body around to face him. She glared into his eyes that had once taken her away to a place she never wished to return from, but now it was nothing. Nothing. That exact same pair of eyes that she had spent hours looking into were emotionless.

Careless.

"You know I can't forget them Sam."

Sam raised her eyebrows, "You think I'm asking you to forget them?" She let out a low cackle, "I'd never ask you to forget them Luka. They were your family." She sighed, "All I'm asking is for you to tell me about them. You know everything about me Luka, but I know nothing about you. You'd be surprised how great it feels to get it off your chest." Silence. "I know it helped me."

"Maybe I'm not the same as you," he mumbled under his breath.

Sam shook her head and walked over to the bed picking up her bag and walking towards the door, "Fine. If you want to talk about it you know where I am."

And with that she slammed the door leaving a shocked faced Luka.

He wanted to follow her, but he just couldn't seem to work up the courage. So he just stood there - possibly watching his soul mate just walk out of his reach, but he'd had Dani. Wasn't that something to be happy about? Wasn't that enough?

_Well I will go down with this ship  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender  
There will be no white flag above my door  
I'm in love and always will be._

Sam wandered aimlessly down the streets of downtown Chicago. The last thing she wanted to do was go home to an empty apartment. Alex had gone to a friend's house for the night so Sam and Luka could have some time to themselves.

"And look where it got us," Sam thought aloud with a laugh and a shake of her head.

Had she done the right thing? Should she just have left so suddenly without even allowing him a second to think over their situation?

Soon Sam found herself in front of a bar. She really regretted getting herself so depressed and had to use this as her last resort to help herself recover. All her life she had thought low of people who used alcohol to suppress their feelings, and now she herself was doing it.

"What can I get for you?" The bar tender questioned with a polite smile as Sam seated herself at the counter, placing her bag on the counter in front of her.

"I'll take anything."

"How about a Bacardi 151?" He questioned a grin forming at the corner of his lips as he swiftly wiped the counter.

Sam shrugged, "Sure."

He turned and began to prepare the drink, "Relationship troubles?" He questioned with a sincere smile.

She nodded, "Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Anyone who is willing to have a Bacardi is either an alcoholic or someone who never drinks that is willing to drink anything because they're depressed. And you my dear do not look like an alcoholic to me."

Sam smiled, "I'm glad to hear it."

"You know what? You don't want this," he said placing the drink on the back counter for the moment, "How about something simple, like a beer?" He questioned.

"Yeah. I guess your right. I would hate for my son to come home to a drunken mother."

"You're a mother?" The bartender questioned his eyebrow raising high on his forehead.

"Yeah, my son is ten."

"Ten? You look way to young to be a mother of a ten-year-old."

Sam smiled as he handed her the drink, "I was way too young."

After an endless night of talking and a counter covered with fifty beer bottles-these were not only hers but Buck's as she had come to learn the bartenders name-, Sam left to head back to her apartment. She had a killer headache, and all she wanted to do was go home and collapse on the couch. Of course she regretted her decision of drinking to help her cope, for the only thing on her mind was Luka. His hair. His nose. His beady eyes. Simply him.

_Luka_. She thought. _The hot _.

_Isn't anyone trying to find me  
Wont somebody come take me home?_

Luka paced impatiently in the park by the waterfront. He was slowly going insane without her. He was going crazy without her presence in his apartment. He missed her childish laugh, the way she would always touch him, her hair cascading across his chest. _You've really done it this time Kovac._ Luka told himself as he eased himself down on the bench to think. You need to let go. But you love Danijela! One side of his conscious would say. _But you love Sam!_ Said the other. There was no stopping it. The feeling of pure uncertainty pulsed through Luka and he thought that at any moment he would explode. _What is right?_ He questioned himself over and over again to the point of making himself go mad. _Is it right to leave Sam this way? Is it right to forget Danijela? You won't forget her!_ The voice told him. _Damn you Luka! She was your wife!_ He was tearing himself apart. He wanted to love Sam – he _did_ love Sam -, but he didn't want to lose Danijela's memory.

It seemed as if for the first time in his life, he had felt this way for a woman other than Danijela, but did that make it a sin? Was he pushing Danijela's life out of his memory? As he ran his hand through his hair, he let out a sigh. He needed Sam. Without her he had simply no reason to live but it was clear to him that Sam didn't want to be with him anymore. She simply wanted nothing to do with him and his petty problems. So for the first time in his life he broke down and wept.

_Its a damn cold night  
Trying to figure out this life  
Wont you take me by the hand  
Take me somewhere new  
I don't know who you are but I  
I'm with you._

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A/N: I should have the next chapter posted by Friday. I have the beginning finished. I just have to finish the end. Also, songs used in this chapter: 

I'm with You-Avril Lavigne

White Flag- Dido


	11. Chapter 11: Out of Reach

**What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life?  
Chapter 11: Out of Reach **

A/N: Okay, so two days later than I said it would be posted. I have to say though that that is good for me. Anyway please R/R.

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As he waited in what seemed like endless traffic, Luka tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. The music was up to full blast and the windows shielded shut so as not to let in the bitter cold air. No matter how long Luka lived in Chicago he surly would never get use to the bitter weather. _So much for a day off._ Luka thought with a laugh. Today was supposed to be Luka's day off, but with the cold weather it seemed as if everyone was calling in sick. On top of that the icy roads didn't help much. The only thing he regretted was the fact that Sam would be there. 

Ever since they broke up the two had tried to work different shifts. Luka would work the night shift and Sam the day. They simply thought it would be easier this way.

No, _she _thought it would be easier this way.

_I thought we'd walk these streets together  
Now I'm hoping that I'll never have to meet you_

"How is it in there?" Luka questioned motioning towards the ambulance bay doors.

With his coffee tucked snuggly into one hand, Carter eased himself down onto the curb and shrugged, "It's been slow so far." He sighed and looked up at Luka. Then he let out a laugh, "But I don't want to jinx you."

Luka walked closer to the ambulance bay doors, "You're coming back, aren't you?"

Carter rolled his eyes, "I have six more hours." There was an awkward silence. He hated to see his friend looking so distressed. Anyone who gave a quick glance to Luka would realize he was slowly wasting away. His beard was untrimmed, and his hair went from a clean-gelled back look to a ruffled mess. Every day his routine was the same. No different from the previous or the next. He would wake up, go to work, and go home for the night stopping every once and a while. That is if he did eat at all , "Hey Luka?"

By now Luka was halfway through the ambulance bay doors, "Huh?"

"You okay?"

Luka nodded to his friend before proceeding through the ambulance bay doors. As he shut his locker, Luka heard the door to the lounge swing open as a petite figure made its way towards the coffee maker. Slowly, he drew in a breath but didn't let it out. How different she looked as she stood there her back turned to his face. Surely, she was aware of his presence. Perhaps she just wished not to acknowledge it. Her once golden curls were now dampened and drab-most likely from having to walk in the snow from the El to the hospital. Face was pale almost as if the life was drained from it, and her once aqua eyes had managed to change to a deep gray color.

She turned to face him and he let out the breath as she walked towards the door, "Sam..." He mumbled.

Her eyes glazed over, she turned to face him for a moment before opening the door and walking over to admit to join Haleh and Conni's conversation.

Maybe coming in today wasn't such a good idea.

"How nice of you to grace us with your presence," Morris said with an arrogant grin plastered on his face.

Luka looked up from the chart he was looking over and let out a laugh, "Was that comment aimed at me?" He questioned his Croatian accent ringing out into the dry air.

"Yes it was, Luka."

Luka looked into Morris's eyes for a second and then shook his head, "Where the hell did you get the idea that you could talk to me like that?" He questioned raising his eyebrows. After a second of utter silence from Morris, he placed the chart back on the rack and made his way over to Exam 1, "And Morris… It's Dr. Kovac to you."

_I've tried to go on like I never knew you _

"What have we got?" Luka inquired as he slapped gloves onto his wrists. As he made his way over to the gurney, he could feel someone's eyes planted on his back. He could feel Sam's eyes glaring at him. _How awkward this is going to be. _He thought. _I mean she won't even talk to me._

"23 year old male: GSW to the chest," Haleh replied after a moment of silence, "Saline was administered at the field."

Luka nodded as he leaned down to listen to the man's chest, "Uneven breath sounds on the right. We're going to have to tube him," he said motioning toward the closet, " I'll need a 10 gage." Nobody moved, "Sam?"

Sam made her way over to the closet and sighed defeated. She knew that he was just trying to get on her case, and she was positive that he would treat her that way for the rest of the day. _Why is it that doctors always think they own the nurses? Why is it that the nurses are thought of as simply people to serve them. _She sighed. _In one way or another. _

"Sam, is that tray coming?" Luka questioned as he looked up from the patient.

At this Sam was about ready to blow, "It's coming!" She screamed so loud that Susan could hear her in the curtain area across from the room they were working in.

"Is there a problem in here?" Susan asked as she pushed open the doors to the trauma room.

Luka nodded, "Everything's just fine."

Sam rolled her eyes, "Luka was just getting impatient about _his _incubation tray." She handed over the tray and Haleh opened it in haste.

"Look you two." Susan started, "If you keep fighting you best try and work different shifts."

"That's what I said," Sam mumbled under her breath.

"We normally do work different shifts. It's just that you were short staffed this morning and Kerry asked me to come it and work for a while and cover you."

"Well, your being here won't help us in any way if you can't work with _all _of the nurses." Sam let out a childish laugh, "And if you can't work with all of the doctors." She finished, looking pointedly at Sam.

_Distant faces with no place left to go_

Sam slammed her locker shut and threw her coat over her shoulders. Just as she was about to turn to leave, Luka walked through the door. He walked over to his locker with not so much as a word. She let out a sigh and shook her head.

"What the hell was that?" He questioned turning to her.

"What?" She replied with a sigh, avoiding his eyes.

"In the trauma. What was that attitude all about?" He walked over to the couch and threw himself onto the couch.

"Look. I'm tired and I don't really wanna talk about this right now."

"Well we have to talk about it sometime."

Sam turned around and walked towards the table, "Fine. What?"

"Look Sam." He started, "You know very well that if we don't get along at work then we are going to have problems."

"I don't want to talk about this Luka," she said standing up.

"I don't see what your problem is. Why are you so mad at me?" He sighed, "Why did we break up?"

She was getting angry now, "I'm fed up with you Luka!" She shouted. She ran her hand through her hair, attempting to ignore the pain that flashed in his eyes. "I knew this would happen if we worked the same shift." Sam mumbled. "I don't wanna talk about this Luka. I don't wanna talk about what we use to have. I don't want to talk about us."

"What did you do?" Ray inquired as Luka walked over to admit.

As he picked up a chart, Luka gave Ray a puzzled look.

"What are you talking about."

He placed the chart down on the counter and ran his hand through his hair. _Only a few more hours in this hell,_ he told himself.

"Sam. She looked pretty pissed off as she left," he replied motioning towards the now vacant lounge.

Glancing fleetingly that way, Luka rolled his eyes.

"What makes you think it was my fault?"

"You really want me to answer that?" He replied walking towards exam one, a cocky smile spread across his face.

Luka shook his head. _Two hours left. _

Sam wrapped her coat a bit tighter around herself. The street was now dark and illuminated by only one street lamp. _Winter has officially arrived_, Sam told herself with a sigh. She hated this time of year. It seemed as if she worked 24/7 all season. On top of that, Christmas was coming up. There was no way she could afford to make a half decent Christmas for her son. The little salary that she did make had to be set aside for necessities such as bills: which she happened to be behind with. It seemed as though since she and Luka had broken up her world was slowly falling apart.

It wasn't like she needed Luka's help: she and Alex had lived by themselves for most of his life with not so much as a little financial aid from anyone. But lately it seemed as if she couldn't get through the day without thinking of him. Without knowing that he wouldn't be there for her when she got home from a long day of work.

Even though the two hadn't lived together, it seemed as if they did. She and Alex were always spending the night there. When she was there, at his apartment, in his arms, she felt safe. She was safe from the world that was outside his apartment doors.

For once in her life, she felt as if she had someone who really loved her. Finally, she had someone who looked out for her well-being. She certainly never had that with Steve. The only concern he ever showed her was when he didn't get what he wanted, and that concern normally was shown by a slap across the face. Of course, she couldn't do anything about it because of his threats, his threats to hurt her and Alex.

Sam knew that Steve would never hurt Alex, intentionally anyway, but then again there was no way of telling what Steve might do if he were high or drunk. Most of the time though he was just speaking down to her, so she knew that he was the boss and there was no use in arguing with him. She had felt his threat more than once, but before Steve got drunk enough to hurt his son, Sam had fled.

She liked the way it felt to have someone love her. Finally, she didn't have to worry about her boyfriend lashing out at her for no apparent reason. There was no question that she had hurt Luka, and there was no question that she had hurt herself.

_Baby, my baby  
It's written on your face  
You still wonder if we made a big mistake_

As he stood on the curb, Luka could see the imprint of delicate footprints beginning to get covered up by a new layer of glossy snow. He let out a sigh, his breath lingering in the air for a long while before disappearing.

"You okay?" Carter questioned with a reassuring smile as he stepped up beside him.

Luka nodded and drew his coat tighter around himself, to stave off the bitter cold.

"Yeah. Long day, that's all."

"How are things with you and Sam?"

"Not so good. We broke up."

"I'm so sorry."

Luka shrugged.

"I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I think that maybe both of our lives are just too complicated for this relationship to work."

"I take it that she dumped you."

He nodded and smiled ironically.

"Did she say why?"

Luka didn't utter a word. He just gave Carter a shake of his head. He really didn't want to be talking about this right now. Right now, he just had to figure things out for himself.

" I don't need your help," Luka muttered.

"I'm not trying to help you."

"I don't want you to give me one of those talks saying that it's her loss and everything. That's what women friends say to each other. I just have to come to terms that we just aren't meant to be together."

"I wouldn't say that."

"Then what would you say?"

"I'd say that you two just need a break."

"Mom?" Alex questioned as he pushed the door to Sam's bedroom open slightly, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm just tired."

"Do you need anything?"

"I'm fine," she mumbled.

Alex came up to her bed and climbed in beside her, "Things with you and Luka aren't working out too well are they?" He inquired.

Sam shook her head, "No, they aren't."

"You sad?"

Sam shook her head, but deep inside she knew that she really was upset. She gazed into her son's eyes: he was her pride and joy. She had Alex. Wasn't that enough?

No it wasn't. Alex needed a father, a real father. He needed someone who would always be there for him.

She gave Alex a slight smile, "I'm sorry bud." And for the first time in months, she wept.

_Now you had me on my knees  
Begging God please  
to send you back to me_

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A/N: If I don't get more replies for this chapter from those of you on fanfiction I'm going to stop updating there. Other than that please review. 


	12. Chapter 12: Numb

**What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life?  
Chapter 12: Numb**

A/N: I know I've been threatening to stop updating at fanfiction for a while, but I've decided to finish this story and just not post my next fiction at fanfiction. Anyway, I think is my longest chapter yet so enjoy it…

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How could this happen to me?  
I made my mistakes  
Got no where to run  
The night goes on  
As I'm fading away_

Sam needed Luka; there was no doubt in her mind about that. Why was it though that she couldn't act on that thought? If only she could work up the nerve to go running over to his apartment and ask for forgiveness, things would be different, but she was too stubborn for that thought to even cross her mind. She simply thought that she needed to learn how to cope with her feelings. She needed to learn how to live without him in her life. There were so many times in her life in which she was alone; why should this be any different?

As she pulled the sheets closer around herself, a shiver ran down her spine. For the first time in what seemed like forever, she was left alone in her bed. At first it had never occurred to her what a big mistake she had made, and she was oblivious to the feeling she got from the absence of him in her bed. Now it screamed out to her and pulled her to pieces. _Look what you've done Sam. You've lost the best part of your life other than Alex._

Shadows lingered on the walls laughing at her. "You idiot!" They screamed, "You've lost him."

Sam reached over to the pillow beside her and smothered her head under it. She wanted everything to go back to the way things use to be. All she wanted was this feeling of loneliness to go away.

Slowly, tears made their way down her face, staining her cheeks and wetting her chest in the process. She reached up to wipe them, but each time she did she began to sob harder. Was it because she needed Luka? Was it because she felt sorry for herself?

The sad thing was, she didn't know.

The phone was ringing on the bedside table beside her, but she didn't bother to lean over the two inches to answer it. Instead she sat there with her back leaned against the back of the wall in deep thought.

_"You've got to get out of here." One side of her conscious would say, "Take Alex and run."_

But she knew better than to do that. Alex had finally settled in, and the last thing she wanted to do was make him leave. She would just have to deal with whatever was thrown her way; even if that did mean working with Luka.

_Without you within me, I can't find no rest  
Where I'm going is anybody's guess_

Luka's room was dark except for the single lamp that was fixed on the dresser at the far side of the room. The cold aluminum stung the sole of Luka's foot, but he proceeded in pushing himself out onto the fire escape. Above him hung the full ivory moon as it illuminated the dark velvet sky, the stars glinting in their own icy beauty. It had to be well below freezing, but Luka didn't mind. He liked the feeling of the cold breeze hitting his face.

He liked felling numb.

Throughout his life, he had been through so much. For once in his life he just wanted to forget it all. All he wanted was to not have this deep feeling of sorrow and regret nagging at him like he had for so long in his life.

The idea of jumping had flashed through his head more than once. Fall and come to a quick and painless death. There was no question that a fall from the eighth story would kill him instantly, but then again he would be leaving the people he loved in the same misery he had been in for the past ten years.

Slowly, he eased himself over the railing of the fire escape. Then he shifted his weight so his arms were the only things holding him back from his fate. He was ready for this. He had been ready for this ever since that day when Dani and the kids were killed.

_"Do it! Go on!"_ His conscious coaxed him on. He could feel his palms getting sweaty, and sweat was running down his brow and into his eyes. Without another thought, his one arm slung down to his side. _This is it Luka!_ He told himself. _Let go and be done with it!_ Now he was questioning himself. Was he doing the right thing?

He reached back for the railing again, and relief washed over him. Nothing else would go wrong tonight.

Before pulling out of his parking space, Luka looked out of his rear view mirror. He didn't know where he was headed. All he knew was that he needed to clear his head.

Without a second thought, he headed onto the highway towards uptown Chicago. For once in his life he was sure he was doing the right thing, and that was comforting to him.

"What do you want?" Abby mumbled after being awoken from a deep sleep, "I have an early shift in the morning." She said clearing her eyes. After realizing whom it was, she sighed, "Luka." She said her hands drifting to her hips.

"I need your help."

"Yes. Anything. What is it Luka?"

As the sun broke the horizon, it gave a yellowish tint to Sam's pale skin. Her hands were wrapped tightly around a coffee mug as she stood in front of the window in thought.

"Mom?" Alex questioned making his way over to her.

Sam turned to face him and smiled.

"It's awfully early. What are you doing up?"

"I heard you get up." He told her with a sigh, "You seemed really down last night."

"I'm fine."

"Please mom. Just tell me what's wrong."

"There's nothing wrong," Sam protested.

"He broke your heart didn't he?" Sam nodded as tears began to well up in her eyes. Alex walked up to her and wrapped his hands around her, "Oh mom."

It was going to be a long morning.

"Do you want something to drink?" Abby questioned foraging around in the fridge. After a few seconds, she appeared in front of Luka with a beer and a water bottle in hand.

Luka shook his head.

"I don't want anything."

Abby shrugged and set the beer beside him.

"For later?"

Luka nodded, "Abby, everything is falling apart."

"What do you mean?"

Luka cupped his head in his hands for a moment and then looked back up to Abby, "I can't afford to loose Sam. She's my world – right now, she's everything to me."

Abby looked at him skeptically.

"I don't think there's anything I can do to help. You'll just have to talk things out with her."

"We're way beyond that point," he sighed defeated.

"I don't know what to tell you Luka." _It's way too late for this._

Luka sighed, "I'm thinking about going back to Africa."

Abby looked at him wide-eyed. "You're not serious…" she questioned sitting up now fully, all ears.

"I have no reason to stay here now," he said with a shrug and avoided meeting her eyes.

"You have us." Abby told him motioning to the various pictures of her colleagues around her. She sighed, "You have me. You know I worry about you Luka. We all worry about you when you're out there. That's half the reason Carter came out to find you the first time."

Luka shook his head; "I just can't do this anymore."

There had been one thing Sam had found most annoying when she started working as a nurse at County. That was that the nurses didn't mind gossiping about you in front of you, or they would talk about you when they thought you were an earshot away. For the first few months she had tried to ignore it by just going about her day normally. There was no question that she and Luka had been the center of the gossip. They probably still were.

As she placed a chart on the rack, Sam could hear bits and pieces of Haleh and Conni's conversation.

"I heard them fighting in the lounge yesterday," Haleh said.

"I take it things aren't going too well?" Conni questioned.

Haleh shrugged, "I think Kovac wants to further their relationship, and let's put it this way: I don't think Sam was ready for it."

"Kovac wanting a serious relationship? You have to be kidding me," Conni said raising her eyebrows.

"I heard they were going steady for quite a while."

Conni shook her head, "There's no way Kovac would survive in a serious relationship. What, with his history."

Haleh shrugged and nodded in agreement, and the two made their way into the lounge to continue their conversation.

Sam sighed and shook her head before proceeding over the board to erase a patient's name.

"Sam," Sam heard Luka calling her name, "I need you to start an IV for my patient in exam three."

"There are other nurses," She mumbled.

"You're the only one who's free."

Sam shook her head in defeat, "Fine."

As Sam talked to Haleh at admit, Luka watched contently from afar. Her lips were slightly parted, and, every so often, her head would bob up and down in agreement, her curls falling around her face. Sam was aware of Luka watching her from a distance, but she did nothing to acknowledge it. When she was sure he wasn't looking, she gave a glance in his direction, but redirected it as soon as their eyes met. She ran a hand through her hair and sighed.

"Is there something wrong?" Haleh questioned.

Sam turned her head and gave Haleh a smile, "No. I was just thinking. Alex should be here by now."

"How's he gonna get here?"

"I had his babysitter, Erica, pick him up after school, but she had somewhere to be. She's going to drop him off on her way there. He's going to stay in the lounge until my shift is over; although I doubt he'll be content in there for long."

Haleh nodded, "He seems like a handful."

"Aren't they all?" Sam questioned with a laugh.

"I think it's just the guys."

Sam nodded in agreement, "That's just because they never grow up."

"Oh, there's no doubt about that," Haleh said as she grabbed a donut off the counter and set down her chart.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah. Anything, what are you thinking?"

"I was thinking about moving out of my apartment. You know try to find a bigger one. Maybe something that is not so… not falling apart. Do you know of any?" She inquired.

Haleh was silent for a moment as she thought over the possibilities, "You know, I heard Carter is renting out his basement."

Sam gave her a puzzled look, "Carter?"

"Hey, it was just an idea."

"Not such a great one," Sam said lightly, shaking her head.

"Well, that's all I got."

Sam rolled her eyes, "Thanks. You were a _great_ help."

As if on cue, a moment later the ambulance bay doors were pushed open and Pam emerged with a gurney. Luka got up from where he was settled giving discharge orders and ran up to the gurney's side.

"Multiple MVA's coming in. Two critical, three minor." Pam stated, "Forty-three year old female. We had to bag her at the scene."

Luka leaned down and was silent for a moment as he listened to the patients breath sounds, "Yeah, sounds good. Equal breath sounds on the left and right." He stood upright, tossing his stethoscope around his neck and turned to Sam who was still situated at admit, "Sam, we're gonna need your help."

Sam looked up startled and stared at him blankly.

"Sam," he simply motioned with his hands to the gurney before him.

Sam stood up almost instantly and followed them into the trauma room.

"You good now?" Pam questioned handing Luka a liter of saline.

Luka nodded and turned to Sam, "Give her 30 milligrams per liter IV-push."

Sam nodded in agreement and went over to the woman's other side, while Neela entered the room.

"Shit!" Luka exclaimed, "She's in V-tach." Sam dropped the needle onto the table and reached out to her left to grab the crash cart off of Malik. She handed him the paddles, "Charge to 50."

She reached behind her and pushed the button, "Clear."

"Normal sinus," Neela proclaimed, reading the monitor.

Luka nodded. "She's stable for now. Get her to CT and I want x-rays, CBC and Neela, run her labs," he ordered, snapping off his gloves and moving into trauma two.

"You seen my mom?" Alex questioned as he walked past the desk at admit.

Jerry nodded, "She's caught up in a trauma. You can just wait for her in the lounge."

Alex shrugged and walked over to the door pushing it open. The room was dark and placid, the only light coming from underneath the wall units. He walked over to the couch and threw his bag on it before walking over to the fridge to see if his mom had left anything in there for him. After a few minutes of searching, he came to the conclusion that he had no such luck and would have to just settle with what he had left over from lunch.

As he rummaged through his bag, he came across an unopened envelope. He sighed and slipped his fingers under the tab tearing it open. He took a quick glance over the letter, crumbled it up, and then threw it at the wall, watching it bounce back onto the floor a foot or so away. _There he goes again._ He told himself. _Breaking his promises._

He continued with his search through his backpack before realizing that he had nothing to eat and nothing to do, so, with that thought, he made his way out into the busy halls of the ER. Not too far from where he stood he could see Carter stitching someone up in one of the curtain areas.

Quickly, he made his way over to him. Carter gave a quick glance to Alex before continuing his work, "What do you want Alex?"

"Can I watch you? Mom's stuck in a trauma, and there's nothing to do so I figured…" Alex rambled on.

Carter looked up and gave him a smile before patting the seat beside him, "Sure you can."

"Have you seen my son?" Sam inquired as she placed a chart on the rack and erased one of her patient's names off the board.

"Yeah. I sent him to the lounge a while ago. You were caught up in a trauma."

Sam nodded and walked over to the lounge. She flipped on the lights and looked around, but Alex was nowhere to be seen. His books were sprawled out on the couch, the envelope set on top. As she bent down to open it, she discovered that it was empty. She took a quick glance around the room until she came across the crumpled piece of paper. Picking it up, she took a quick glance over it before placing it in her pocket. Then she set out to find her son.

"There you are." Sam said coming up behind Alex and rubbing his back, "I've been looking for you everywhere."

"Is your shift over?" Alex questioned.

Sam nodded, "Go get your stuff together, and wait for me in the lounge."

Alex obeyed and disappeared into the lounge within a few moments.

"Need some help?" Sam asked sitting down where Alex had once been situated.

Carter shrugged, "Another set of hands wouldn't hurt."

Sam reached over for a pair of gloves. "So I hear you are looking for someone to rent out your basement to," she commented almost shyly.

Carter nodded and looked at her. "Why? Are you interested?"

"Well, yeah I guess you can say that. I was thinking about moving. You know try and find something that isn't such a dump."

"Well if you want we can talk about it later. What time are you on tomorrow?"

"Nine."

"What do you say we grab a coffee before work? Say 8:30?"

Sam nodded. "That's fine."

_What have you gotten yourself into?_ Sam questioned herself as she walked down the halls of the ER deep in thought. _Moving in with Carter? Are you out of your mind? But it's got to be better than that dump we are living in now... But Carter?_

Sam pushed the door open to the lounge in a rush. All she wanted to do was get out of there. She just wanted time to think over her actions. She needed time to try and figure out where her life was headed - where this was headed.

She was shook out of her thoughts when the door came to a halt mid-way and almost slammed back into her face.

Sam looked up startled, "I'm sorry Luka."

"It's fine," he told her avoiding her eyes.

"Are you okay?" She questioned raising her eyebrows. She didn't understand it: how could you be annoyed by someone and concerned about them at the same time?

"Yeah. I'm just great," he mumbled.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Luka rolled his eyes, "Just Dandy."

"Just dandy?" Sam said with a laugh, "My God, I haven't heard that expression for the longest time."

Luka looked up at her raising his eyebrows, but he still avoided her eyes.

"Look. It's getting late, and I gotta get home. If you need to talk you know where to find me," she told him as she walked over to her locker and pulled out her jacket and bag. As she did so, Luka made his way closer to the door. _Only a few more feet,_ he told himself, _and your home free._ He began to push the door open, and Sam turned to give him one last smile, "You know, even though we're not together anymore I still worry about you."

"Sure," he mumbled under his breath.

"Fine, be that way."

Luka rubbed his temple as he stepped back into the lounge, the door swinging shut behind him. "Have you ever wondered if you were doing the right thing? Wondered if your actions were the right ones?"

Sam looked up at him startled by his sudden urge to talk. She looked over to Alex on the couch and motioned to him, "Alex, go wait for me outside."

Alex shook his head and obeyed his mother.

Sam redirected her attention to Luka, "Sure. You worry about that all the time when you're a parent."

"I mean have you ever wondered if you were doing the right thing for yourself."

Sam shrugged, "I guess you could say that."

"Sam, I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing."

"What do you mean?"

Luka sighed and was silent for a moment as he searched for the right words in which to tell her. _Sam I'm leaving- No, too vague. Sam, I have nothing to stay here for. I'm going back to Africa- Too much of a guilt trip._ Then for the first time in the fifteen minutes they had been talking, he met her eyes.

"Sam, I'm going back to Africa."


	13. Chapter 13: Mixed Emotions

**What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life?  
Chapter 13: Mixed Emotions**

A/N: I'm sorry it took so long to get this chapter posted. I'm going to try and work on this fic at hyper speed cos I'm planning on starting my next fic in late August. If I don't start getting more reviews here though, I don't think I'm going to post my next story here just at ERHQ. Other then that please R/R.

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"Come on Alex!" Sam called down the hall to her son's room, "We're going to be late." She let out a sigh. As she opened the door to the refrigerator, she took a quick glance before placing a juice box into Alex's lunch bag. At that moment, the door shut, and Sam could hear the pitter-patter of Alex's _Nike _sneakers as they hit the hardwood floor.

"Okay, I'm ready to go," Alex proclaimed emerging from the dark hallway. Sam turned to face him before handing him the paper bag off the counter. Alex opened up the bag and looked over its contents, "Mom, an apple? Why can't I have a bag of gummies or something like everyone else does? I mean Sean's mom lets him pack his own lunch for crying out loud."

Sam raised her eyebrows, "Well do I look like Sean's mom?"

Alex shook his head in defeat before closing the bag and placing it in his backpack.

"Erica is going to pick you up after school. Okay bud?" She questioned ruffling his hair. Alex rolled his eyes, and Sam let out a laugh. _He wants to grow up too fast. _ Sam grabbed her keys off the table, by the door, before following her son out into the hallway.

As her body hit the frigid cold air, Sam wrapped her coat tighter around herself, "Put your hat on," she told Alex as she reached back into her bag and threw him the hat.

"Mom!" Alex whined. Sam gave him her famous do–what–I–told–you–to–or-else glare, and Alex quickly obeyed. She grabbed Alex's arm, and the two walked the two miles down to the el station.

Looking down at her watch, Sam thought to herself. _7:30. I only have an hour to drop off Alex at school, and then I have to meet Carter before my shift. _She sighed and shook her head. _What have you gotten yourself into?_

"Mom," Alex said shaking Sam out of her thoughts, "This is our stop." Sam nodded and stood up taking a few steps towards the doors. "Are you okay?" Alex questioned looking concerned.

Sam nodded. "Yeah. I'm fine." Silence, "I'm going to ask you a question. Hypothetically, of course, okay? How would you feel about moving?"

Alex looked up at his mother wide eyed, "What are you talking about? You're not really serious are you? Mom, I don't wanna move. I like Chicago."

"I don't mean move to another city." She was silent for a moment, "I meant how do you feel about moving to another apartment."

Alex shrugged as he stepped off the El, "I don't know. I guess I'll have to think about it."

Sam nodded and followed her son down the street to his school. _See, this isn't meant to be. You don't want to move and neither does Alex. You do want to get him out of that dump don't you?_ One side of her conscious would say. _But if it means moving in with Carter forget it! You can't do that to yourself. It would be so…awkward. _The other would say.

"What did you have in mind?"

"Huh?" Sam looked up startled from being shook out of her thoughts.

"Where were you thinking about moving to?"

Sam shrugged, "I really haven't looked into much. You know a few apartments here and there when I saw they were leasing."

"Such as?" Alex coaxed his mother on.

"I really don't know," Sam lied.

"Well, maybe we can go apartment shopping after your shift is over."

"I have to work late."

"What did you see?" Alex questioned fully aware that his mother had found something that she was very interested in.

"Nothing." Sam said innocently, "I'll see you after work. Okay Al?" Alex nodded and ran inside.

As he pushed open the ambulance bay doors, Carter felt a rush of warm air hit his face. His coat was wrapped tightly around him, shielding him from the winter wind. In one hand he held a cup of coffee. In the other he held a paper bag filled with bagels. Sam had been twenty minutes late for their meeting to talk about her moving in.

"What do we have here?" Haleh asked eyeing the bag in Carter's hand.

Carter let out a laugh, "Don't hold back Haleh."

"What? I've been here all night. A girl needs to eat, you know."

Carter nodded, "They're bagels. You want some?"

Haleh raised her eyebrows, "You kidding?"

Carter shook his head as he placed the coffee and bag on the counter at admit. Lifting, the hat he was wearing off his head he took a quick glance around, "Is Sam here yet?"

"Nope. Her shift starts in five minutes, so she should be here in a minute," Haleh replied as she reached over for a bagel.

Carter nodded and took a sip of his coffee.

"Bagels!" Conni exclaimed as she walked over to admit placing a chart on the rack.

"Help your self to some," Carter told her motioning towards the bag that sat on the counter beside him. He let out a laugh. _It looks as if you're not going to be eating for a while._

Conni took a bite of her bagel, "Is Sam here yet?" She questioned Haleh who was grabbing a chart off the rack, "There's a multi victim MVA coming in and we are going to need all the help we can get." She turned to Carter, "Are you on yet?"

Carter shook his head, "Not until tonight."

"Do you mind staying for a while to help us?" Conni questioned.

"I was just going to see if Sam was here. She and I were supposed to have coffee this morning. Since she didn't show up, I figured I'd bring some bagels and see if she was here yet. I really wasn't planning on staying, but I guess I'll stay if you really need my help."

Haleh looked up from the chart she was reading, "Why were you and Sam having coffee?"

Carter rolled his eyes, "Why does it matter, and for your information it was about business. She's thinking about renting my basement."

Conni let out a laugh, "Sam?" She questioned as she bit her lip in efforts to contain her laughter, "Is thinking about moving in with you?"

"What's so funny about that?" Carter asked embarrassed that they found the situation funny.

Conni shook her head, "Nothing. It's just… weird. I mean you do know what you've gotten yourself into don't you?"

"I think I knew that already. Thank you anyway," Carter told her as he headed towards the lounge.

As he pushed the door open, Carter heard Haleh laugh and then ask Conni if she thought Sam knew what she was getting herself into. Putting his jacket into his locker, he noticed the outline of a figure sitting on a chair at the opposite side of the room. He stood there for a moment and just stared at the figure. The person was petite, and their hair was slightly matted.

"Sam?" Carter inquired making his way towards her, "Is that you." _Haleh must not have seen her come in. _Carter thought.

No reply.

Carter pulled out a chair from the table and sat down beside Sam, "What's wrong?"

Sam wiped her eyes, "Nothing. Hard case this morning."

Carter was silent for a moment as he pushed a lock of hair behind her hair, "You weren't on this morning." Sam shook her head. She clearly did not want to talk about it, but Carter pressed onward, "Come on. It will feel better to get it off your chest."

Sam stood up and turned to face Carter. Their eyes met for a moment, and then Sam's eyes glanced downward. She really didn't feel like talking at the moment. All she wanted to do was sit in silence and feel sorry for herself without any interruptions.

Was Luka doing the right thing for both of them by leaving? Or was he simply running away from his problems – from her? Was she just one of his pity problems? He was doing the same thing he did the last time things got rough. He left Croatia after Dani and the kids died, and he left America to go work in the Congo after things ended with Abby. Now, he was doing the same thing as before. _You are all his problems-Abby, Danijela, and you. That's why he's leaving. Maybe, you are just one of those many sluts he sleeps with then leaves-in one way or another._

"Sam," Carter coaxed her on.

Sam looked up, "John, Luka's going back to Africa."

Carter looked at her wide eyed as he ran a hand through his thick, dark hair, "Are you sure this is what he wants?"

Sam shrugged, "I don't know."

Carter sighed, "If this is what he wants, then I'm not going to stop him, and you shouldn't either."

Sam pushed the door open to the lounge and emerged out into the busy hallway. As she made her way over to admit, Lily threw her a gown, "Sam, when did you get here?" Then she shifted gears, "Mass MVA coming in." Sam nodded and put on the gown as she walked out into the ambulance bay.

"Sam over here." Luka called, and Sam looked up startled before running over to help Neela who was already beside the gurney.

Doris rattled off the girl's vitals, "10-year-old female. BP 135 over 90. 20 milligrams of morphine administered at the scene."

Luka swung his stethoscope around his shoulders, "Even breath sounds on the left and right. Okay, let's go." With that the four made their way to trauma one.

Doris motioned towards the gurney, "You okay?"

Luka nodded and turned to Neela, "Hold c-spine."

"Need some help?" Carter questioned as he pushed his way through the doors between trauma one and two.

"What we really need is a surgeon," Luka mumbled.

Carter shook his head and walked over next to Sam who was starting an IV. He looked at Luka, "We're going to need an abdominal x-ray."

Luka shook his head, "Sam, I need a lavage kit." Sam set down the needle and went over to the cabinet to retrieve the kit. She handed it to Luka.

"BP's dropping," Sam told Luka as she looked at the monitor, "She's crashing!"

"Hold on." Luka looked up, "Yep, Get Dubenko down here."

"Luka, we need to shock her," Carter told him.

"Okay, paddles," Luka motioned to Sam.

"Luka go upstairs and see if you can find Dubenko. He's not answering his page." Carter motioned towards Sam, "Paddles. Charge to 300."

Luka stood there and glared at Carter. _What the heck is up with you Carter!_

Sam gave Luka a sympathetic smile and then turned back to Carter, "Clear."

Luka shook his head before pulling off his gloves and storming out of the room.

"What the hell was that?" Sam exploded once she was sure Luka was out of the room. She glared at Carter, but Carter shifted his glance down to the patient when it was too much to bear, "What gives you the idea that you can take over another attending's trauma just like that."

"Neela, can you check on those labs?" Carter questioned changing the subject.

Neela stood there for a moment dumbfounded.

"Neela, the labs?"

"I'll go check," Neela replied looking up to meet Carter's eyes before exiting the room leaving the two alone.

"He's your friend Carter. Why did you just push him aside and make him feel useless like that?" Sam inquired trying to get a sincere answer from Carter - which she sure she wasn't going to get.

"I don't know."

"Bull shit."

Carter sighed and met Sam's eyes, "I just don't want to see you get hurt."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You're a nice girl Sam, and I have seen Luka break too many girls' hearts." He ran a hand through his hair, which was something he did only when he was nervous, "Especially the heart's of the girl's he loves."

Sam bit her lip, "You think he…loves me?" She could feel tears welling up in her eyes. Sure, Luka had told her that he loved her more than once, but it was different hearing it from another person. It almost made it seem real rather than something she had just made up in her imagination. She had thought she loved Steve. Steve had said that he loved her, but look where it got her. No one supported her and Steve's relationship, but for once in her life, someone supported one of her relationships.

Carter nodded, "No question. Have you seen the way he looks at you?"

"Then why is he leaving?"

Carter shook his head, "It's complicated. It's almost as if he's married to a ghost."

As he stood in the elevator, Luka could feel anger bubbling its way up to the surface. _Where the hell did Carter get the idea that he could just take over _my_ trauma?_ Luka had always thought highly of Carter; surely, this was unlike him. The elevator came to a halt, and the doors slid open.

Stepping out of the elevator, Luka caught the attention of a nurse who was running down the hall, "Where's Dubenko?"

As she reached the door to recovery, she turned and looked at Luka, "I don't know. It's not my job to keep track of the doctors. Did you try paging him?"

Luka nodded, "Yeah."

She pushed the door open, "Try the lounge."

"Thank you," He said as he headed down the hall. The surgical floor was defiantly much quieter than the ER. That was except for the fact that every once and a while a machine would start beeping, and a doctor would come rushing down the hall completely oblivious to Luka's presence. He could never understand how someone could choose surgery over emergency medicine. Emergency medicine was so much more… spontaneous, intense: you never knew what would come crashing through those ambulance bay doors, and that was what appealed to Luka.

As he neared the door to the lounge, Luka could hear the muffled voices of what he would guess were residents. He pushed the door open, and one of them turned to face him, startled from being interrupted.

"What is it?" The tallest of them questioned.

"Is Dubenko in here," Luka inquired.

"How am I supposed to know?" He shot back, and it was at that point that Luka became aware that he was agitating the young surgeon.

"Well, he's not answering his page, and they need him in the ER."

"And what do you want me to do about it?"

"I'm sure they could use your help down there," Luka told him as he turned to leave.

"I'm scrubbing in on an appy in 30 minutes."

"I'm sure 30 minutes of your time will be better than none at all," he responded sarcastically, opening the door.

"Hey Doc," One of the quieter ones chimed in, "Dubenko said something about going to _Ike's_."

Luka nodded, "Thank you."

Snow began to fall swiftly as Luka made his way down the street to _Ike's_. As he approached the door, he let out a sigh at the sight of Dubenko sitting at a table with a few other surgeons, a beer bottle in hand. _Dubenko, you know you can't drink when you're on call!_ He burst through the door and grabbed the beer bottle from Dubenko, "They need you in the ER, but obviously you'll be of no help."

"What are you talking about?" Dubenko questioned, his voice slurred.

"There was a mass MVA, and we tried paging you. You wouldn't answer it." He set the bottle on the table next to him and shook his head, "And you're drunk?"

Dubenko attempted to stand up but stumbled, "No I'm not."

Luka sighed and took the surgeon by the elbow, "You know this is grounds for dismissal."

"What?"

"Never mind. Let's just get you back to the hospital and cleaned up."

Sam and Carter were deep into conversation when the resident Luka had talked to earlier came bursting through the door, "What have we got?"

"Ten-year-old female. Lavage was positive for bleeding." Carter told him, "Who are you?"

"Ryan Merriman. I'm a surgical resident." He walked over to face the little girl, "Hey sweetie, can you tell me your name?"

After settling down Dubenko in an exam room, Luka stood outside the trauma doors and watched as Sam, Carter, and Merriman worked frantically on the little girl. She was stable and appeared to be fine. _Nice to see how fast you change gears between patients and doctors. I'm just thankful that you don't talk to your patients the way you talked to me._

Inside the little girl was panicking, "Where's my mom?"

Sam ran a hand through the tiny girl's strawberry blonde hair in an effort to sooth her, "The doctor's are working very hard on her, but we have to take care of you first. Can you tell us your name?"

"Mom," her eyes grew wide at the sight of her mother lying limp on the table in trauma two.

"Carter shut the door." She turned to the little girl, "We need to know your name honey."

Tears were welling up in the girl's eyes, "Mom!"

Sam turned to face Carter, "She's not going to tell us her name. You'd be better off asking the mother."

Carter shook his head, "Can't. She's unconscious."

"Well we need consent for the surgery." Merriman chimed in, "Is there anyone other than the mother?"

"I think her father maybe in exam 3 with a broken arm. Lily said something about treating someone who was worried about their wife and daughter."

Merriman nodded, "Nurse, go see if you can find them." He turned to Carter and motioned towards trauma two, "If you need me."

Sam nodded and made her way over to the door completely oblivious to Luka who was standing on the opposite side of the door.

"Oh god, I'm sorry!" Sam exclaimed as the door came to a halt.

Luka motioned towards the girl, "Is she going to be okay?"

Sam nodded, "She's going to need surgery, but she should be fine. Good save in there."

Luka nodded.

Sam bit her lip and met Luka's eyes, "I'm sorry about Carter."

"It's not your fault."

"Yeah, but I almost feel as if it was."

After the endless string of traumas that followed the MVA, Luka was exhausted. As he approached his locker, he noticed Carter who had situated himself at the table and was finishing up some charts.

As he wrote one last thing on the chart he was working on, Carter looked up and faced Luka, "You're really going aren't you?"

"So you've heard?"

Carter nodded.

"Yeah, I'm really going. I just need to get out of here. Everything is falling apart. I just don't want to have to deal with it anymore."

"Are you crazy?" Carter questioned point blank.

"What do you mean?"

"You're going to leave her, just like that?"

"Leave who?"

"Sam."

"This isn't about her in the least."

"Yes it is."

Luka sighed and closed his eyes, "Please, don't bring her into this."

"She already is in this. She loves you Luka." Carter shifted his attention to the door startled from being interrupted. Sam stood right there in front of him. Their eyes met for a moment before Sam glanced downward and walked over to her locker.

"Are you leaving for the night?" She questioned Luka who was staring into space.

Luka looked at her startled and then nodded, "Yeah."

"I'll see you later then?" She told him as she shut her locker.

"Later."

As Sam stood outside the ER in deep thought, snow was still falling. What Carter had said earlier about Luka had really gotten to her, and she worried she wouldn't be able to clear her head of him for the whole night. As she wrapped her coat tighter around herself, she could see Luka emerging from the sliding doors.

"What are you still doing here?" He questioned, "It's cold."

Sam smiled, "Oh, trust me. I know."

"You taking the el?" Luka asked.

Sam nodded.

"Wanna walk up with me?"

Sam shrugged and wrapped her arm around Luka, "Sure, why not?"

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A/N: I hope you enjoyed that chapter. Please review. 


	14. Chapter 14: Denial

**What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life?**

**Chapter 14: Denial**

A/N: Sry it took me so long to post an update. I hope you enjoy this chapter, for it will be the last one for a while. Please R/R.

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The warm water that rushed down her body was welcoming to Sam. It had to be well below freezing on the streets below, and Sam was surprised that she hadn't frozen to death in the bitter temperatures. Sam and Luka had spent quite some time talking at the EL station, and she didn't arrive home until the late hours of the night. Erica had long since left to go home, and Alex was still wide-awake. She ran a hand through her limp curls and sighed. _Only 4 hours of sleep tonight._

Sam's attention was diverted when she heard a loud crash come from the apartment above hers, and then all was silent. She reached over to turn off the shower and then she heard a blood-curdling scream. Quickly, she jumped out of the shower and threw her robe on.

Emerging from the bathroom, she called out to Alex, "I'm going upstairs for a minute. I think Mrs. Cunningham may have fallen." Inside though, she knew it wasn't Mrs. Cunningham. The scream she had heard was something all too familiar. It reminded her of her - her and Steve.

Alex nodded, but kept his eyes plastered to the television screen, "Yeah, I heard someone scream. She probably just saw a rat or something." He let out a chuckle at his own joke.

"Better safe than sorry." She replied heading towards the door.

"Do what you gotta do."

Sam shook her head with a laugh as she opened the door, "Oh, and Alex. Go to bed."

Alex shooed her away with his hand, "Yeah. Yeah."

Shutting the door, Sam shook her head at her smart-ass son and stepped out into the hallway. Even though the long corridor was inside, it felt as if it could be colder in the building than outside of it. She made her way over to the stairs, which were illuminated by a single lamp that was hanging up ahead. Sam had always avoided using this staircase whenever she could, because not only it was dangerous, she distinctly recalled one of her neighbors telling her of a murder-taking place there. They had said that a husband had thrown his wife down the stairs, and that her spirit still lingered there. She had never felt comfortable even taking a step through the door that led to the stairwell. _Talk about childish stories. _She told herself as she took one step up the stairs. _Of course, why does the elevator need to be broken _now

As she reached the last step, Sam let out a sigh. The clattering she had heard earlier seemed to subside, but then the screams she had heard earlier seemed to transform themselves into comprehensible words.

"What is your problem bitch? First I come home to a pigsty, and then you tell me that you _forgot_ to make dinner. Is that how you treat me when I help support you? Huh?"

_Steve._

Then she heard a reserved voice, "I'm sorry." _Herself._

"Sorry isn't enough, bitch."

Everything went silent for a moment, and that is when Sam's heart snapped. Silence was the worst part. That's when you felt _his_ words. At that point, Sam had half a nerve to turn around and go back to her apartment. _Just forget you ever heard it._ Then it hit her. What would have happened if her mother had just forgot she heard it that night? What would her life be like then?

"Why won't he stop crying bitch?" Steve questioned. Sam knew he had been out with his friends, and it was obvious that he had something to drink. That he had had a lot to drink. Tears were welling up in Sam's eyes and threatening to flow, "Come on Sammy. Just get the damn thing to shut up!"

"Please Steve, stop screaming. My mother's in the other room, but more importantly please don't do this in front of your son. Just let me get him a bottle from the kitchen," she pleaded.

"Can't you just breastfeed the damn thing here? I don't want you to leave this room until morning."

Sam shook her head, "I can't breastfeed him Steve. He needs his bottle. Please, just let me go and get it for him."

Steve shrugged, and Sam bit her lip as she nodded, "You know if it was up to me bitch, your mother wouldn't be here. Neither would the kid."

"You don't mean that," Sam mumbled as she opened the door. Bad choice. Sam thought.

"Don't tell me what I do and do not mean."

Sam wiped a tear from her cheek, "I'm sorry."

Steve raised his eyebrows and lowered his bottom lip, "You're sorry Sammy? Then how are you going to repay me?"

Sam ran a hand through her hair, "Please Steve, just let me go and feed him."

"Okay, but then you have to repay me."

Outside Sam's mother, Helen, sat on the sofa fully aware of the argument her daughter was having with her boyfriend. As Sam pushed open the door, Alex in hand, Helen rose to her feet. Tears were now flowing freely down Sam's cheeks staining them in the process. Helen reached over and took her daughter into her embrace.

"We'll get you through this." She coaxed, "But you have to be willing to leave - just leave. Nothing can hold you back. You have to take Alex and run. You can come home. Anywhere has to be better than this."

"He'll find us," she sobbed as she motioned towards herself and Alex.

Helen nodded, "But you'll have people who got your back. We'll take care of you. Sam, you're my daughter. I never want to see you treated like that again."

"You don't understand."

"I understand more than you can ever imagine."

"What do you mean?"

She shook her head, "My father was a drunk. My mother and father fought all the time, and the best thing she ever did for herself and us kids was get us out of there. Come home with me Sam. Come back to Boston and live with your father and I."

Sam shook her head, "I don't know mom."

"Just trust me, Sweetie. You'll thank me later," She said wiping a tear off of Sam's cheek.

Her mother had been right, and if it weren't for her for all Sam knew she could still be caught under Steve's rash mood swings. Sure, he found them occasionally, but ever since that day she had learned how to set her foot down. She had learned how to protect herself and Alex from Steve.

That's when she worked up the nerve to knock on the door. She knocked very lightly at first, and then she began to hit the door rapidly. Inside, Sam could hear the shuffling of footsteps. Then the door handle twisted and the door opened.

"What is it?" A petite woman in a terry, pink robe questioned. Her voice slurred from exhaustion.

Sam sighed trying to work up the nerve to speak, "I heard a lot of banging around up here, and I just wanted to make sure that everyone was okay."

The woman gave Sam a polite smile, "I was just fixing myself a midnight snack, and the pots and pans tumbled out of the cabinet. That's all. There's nothing wrong."

Sam nodded, "I just wanted to make sure. Are you okay? I mean you didn't get cut or anything did you?"

"No, I don't think so. Just a few scrapes and bruises I think. That's all," the woman said with a sigh.

"Okay, well if you need anything I'm in apartment 208 downstairs."

The woman nodded, and Sam turned to leave. She could tell the woman was lying, and that's what worried Sam the most. For a long time, she had denied that she had a problem. As a matter of fact, she still did in some ways think it was her fault that Steve lashed out at her like that. She had always thought she had gotten what was coming to her. Yet again, in some ways she had come to the realization that no one should be treated the way Steve had treated her. In a way it was those years - the ones she blamed herself completely for the way she was treated - that had taken the most years off her life.

Now, she couldn't stand to see anyone treated in the same manner Steve had treated her. She couldn't bear the emotions that came over her when a domestic violence came bursting through those ER doors. She still felt as if there was more she could do to help her situation.

Whenever anyone asked her if Steve had physically abused her, she would deny it and tell them that he had left her and Alex-not the other way around.

Surely, that was a sign that she still blamed herself.

"Hey." The woman called down the hall shaking Sam out of her thoughts. Sam diverted her attention to the woman who was running down the hall to catch up with her, "Thank you. You know it's nice to know that there is someone looking out for your well-being."

Sam nodded and extended her hand, "My name is Sam." She said with a smile, "Sam Taggert."

The woman returned the smile, "Alyssa James. Look, I'm sorry if I woke you."

"Oh you didn't."

"Anyway, thank you."

Sam nodded which was the only thing that she could do.

As Sam reentered her apartment moment later, Alex greeted her, "So mom is Mrs. Cunningham okay? She didn't break her hip or anything did she?" His eyes lit up at the thought of it.

Sam shook her head and set her keys down on the table by the door, "You were supposed to go to bed. It's almost midnight, and you have school in the morning."

Alex shrugged, "I'll be fine."

"Yeah, but you're not the one who has to wake you up in the morning." She said with a laugh, "Come on. We're going to bed."

Alex sighed defeated. Then he looked up at his mother, "You know it has been a while since we've been together."

"What? I was home every night this week," Sam replied raising her eyebrows aware of the fact that her son was trying to get something out of her.

"You are such a party pooper."

"Fine." Sam said with a slight sigh, "What do you want?"

"Can we make ice cream sundaes?" Alex questioned. He was so getting what he wanted now.

"Alex."

"Please," Alex pressed.

"It's late."

"Just one bowl."

"Did you check your sugar level?" She questioned giving in.

Alex nodded, "I'll get the bowls."

Sam shook her head. She had to learn how to not give in to him so much.

As he placed two bowls on the table, Alex turned to face Sam. Shaking his head, he gave her a slight smile and sighed. It was apparent to Alex that something was on Sam's mind. She had been acting differently ever since Luka had told her that he was going back to Africa. Was she worried about him, or was she simply mad at the fact that he was leaving shortly after things had hit "rock bottom" with their relationship?

"So?" Alex questioned, "Is Mrs. Cunningham alright?"

Sam nodded, "Yes, just some commotion between the couple upstairs. Mrs. Cunningham is fine."

"What about the couple? Are they okay?" Alex pressed curiously, as he walked back over to the counter to retrieve two spoons.

Sam shrugged, "I don't know. I guess so."

"How can you just guess so?" He inquired, "I mean seriously. She's either okay or she's not."

"They're either okay or they're not."

"What's the difference?" Alex questioned as he scooped out some ice cream and flung it into his bowl with a thud.

"There's a big difference," Sam protested as she took the ice cream from Alex.

Alex let out a chuckle, "When's the last time you saw a man come into the ER because his wife physically abused him. On the other hand, when is the last time you saw a woman come into the ER because her husband physically abused her?"

"Alex," Sam said with a sigh.

"Answer me."

"Alex, it's a serious matter. You shouldn't go around talking about it so… openly as if it is nothing."

"I know it is a serious matter. What's your problem, mom?"

Sam shrugged, "I guess working in the ER has just gotten to me."

Half of Sam knew she was lying to her son, but the other half protested. She did after all see a lot of domestic violence cases roll through those ambulance bay doors. After working in the ER for so long, Sam had learned to push aside her emotions. She had to learn how to be emotionless, but sometimes those emotions broke through.

That was what separated the domestic violence cases from the rest. Sam felt as if she could relate to that woman who was lying on the gurney. That was the side of her conscious that was nagging at her.

She had almost been that woman on the gurney.

Of course, things with Steve never got that bad, but they had gotten close to it - more than once. All her life, Sam felt as if she was to blame for the way Steve had treated her and Alex. The sad thing was that Alex didn't even remember his father in such a terrible way. He was too young to remember being beaten for not sleeping through the night. He was too young to remember his mother crying herself to sleep. Steve had became sly after realizing that Alex was more capable of comprehending what was going on, so in Alex's eyes Steve was the perfect father figure - or close to it.

There were so many times Steve had tried to re-enter their lives, but in the end nothing turned out the way he had promised. He would either come home drunk or high, and because of that, Sam would run or force him to leave- to the best of her ability.

Sam was just thankful for the fact that Alex was unaware of the origin of Steve's decision to just up and leave. Guilt nagged at her for depriving her only son of what was rightfully his, but she was simply doing it to protect herself.

And Alex.

_Now you say you know all you did not know before  
And I offer no sympathy for that._

It seemed as if Steve was always breaking his promises - to change or to be there when Sam and Alex needed him the most. They had learned to cope without him. They _had_ to learn how to cope without him.

It was the last inning, and Alex's team was up5 to 2. Alex was up to bat. As the blazing sun hit the little boy's small, pale face, sticky, salty sweat slowly rolled down his face in large pools. Alex could hear his team cheering him on from the dug-out.

"_Go Alex!" They screamed. "Come on! Hit us a home run!"_

_Pride was welled up inside of Alex. He scanned the bleachers over fast before his attention was redirected towards the pitcher. _

_The ball hit the catcher's glove with a thud, "Strike one!"_

_Alex let out a sigh and banged the bat hard on the ground. As he readied himself for the next pitch, he took another quick glance over at the bleachers. He could see his mother giving him a slight smile and a shrugged before she motioned to him to get back on track._

"_We'll talk about it later," She mouthed to him._

_Alex could feel tears welling up in his eyes. He had half a notion to throw the bat on the ground right then and there, but he collected himself and turned back to face the pitcher._

_The ball came whizzing towards him. He could feel the tension that the bat was creating as it whooshed through the air to meet the ball._

_At first he stood there dumbfounded, but Alex was later shook out of his thoughts when one of his teammates started screaming, "Go Alex! Run!" Alex looked up. He had hit it into the outfield!_

"_Run Alex!"_

"_You okay?" Sam questioned as she handed Alex a plate with a slice of pizza on it._

_Alex shrugged, "So he missed one game."_

"_One game?" Sam mumbled. She sighed and smiled, "One pretty damn good game."_

"_It wasn't that great."_

"_Not great?" Sam questioned raising an eyebrow, "Alex, you beat them 8 to 2. I think your father should have been there to see that."_

"_Look, mom, I'm not upset because he wasn't there, so you shouldn't be either, okay?" Alex stated as he took a huge bite of his pizza._

Why are you always defending him?_ Sam felt like questioning her 7-year-old son. No matter what commitment Steve broke with Alex, it seemed as if, Alex was always willing to forgive him. Maybe Sam was just too damn stubborn to forgive Steve for his mistakes. Is that what caused all those problems in their relationship?_

Nobody deserved to be treated like that. _Sam reassured herself. _And the person who treated them like that does not deserve to be forgiven.

_For some reason though, Sam couldn't quite get herself to believe that. _

"_People change," Sam mumbled to herself with a sigh._

"_What was that?" Alex questioned._

_Sam looked up startled, "Hmmm?"_

"_What did you say?"_

" _Oh, I was just talking to myself."_

Maybe I should forgive him for Alex's sake.

_Shadows lingered on the walls of the placid apartment. Branches from the trees outside were the arms of a monster ready to attack, and the nightlight at the end of the hall- the only sign that there was a way out._

_Outside, the porch light in front of the crappy apartment blinked on and off as the many insects promenaded around it. Steve searched for his key. After a few moments of searching with no luck, he started banging on the door in hopes that Sam would answer the door._

_After minutes of Steve's loud banging, Sam was jolted out of her slumber. Her body still lagging with exhaustion, she made her way over to the door. As she undid the deadbolt, Sam could hear Steve mumbling something to himself._

_He was drunk._

"_Steve, it's eleven. Why weren't you home earlier?" Sam questioned._

"_Damn you bitch!" Steve exclaimed as he stumbled through the doorway, "I'll come home when ever I damn please without any commentary from you!" He pulled a chair away from the kitchen table, "Where's Alex?"_

"_Asleep."_

_Steve shook his head._

"_You missed his game, again," Sam mumbled._

_Steve looked up startled, "No one told me he had a game."_

"_I told you weeks ago," Sam pressed._

"_I didn't hear about this until just now."_

"_I'm positive I told you." Sam sighed, "I'm glad you show some interest in keeping your promises to your son," she mumbled._

_Steve shook his head, "Look, I'm hungry. Just make me something."_

"_Steve if you are going to act that way you have to get out. Now."_

_Steve looked at her wide-eyed, "What?"_

"_You heard me." _Stay strong Sam. Stay strong, _"If you treat me like that in my own home, you're leaving. I will not have you treat me like that in my own home. In our son's home."_

_Steve was stunned. No one had ever spoke to him in such a manner his entire life. Then, without any calling whatsoever Steve's hand came clear to Sam's face._

_Sam was first aware of what was happening when her face began to sting. She flung her hand to her face to feel his damage._

"I'm hungry." Steve said getting up out of the chair he had situated himself in and led Sam to her bedroom, "Feed me."

Stay strong, Sam. Be strong.

"_Steve, don't do this," Sam protested as Steve eased off her shirt, her bra following shortly after._

_Steve grabbed her arm and dug his nails deep within her skin, "Bitch, don't tell me what to do."_

_Why did he always do this to her? Whenever he showed up he always claimed to have changed his ways, and she had allowed him back into her life. Then he would pull something like this._

_Sam wanted to protest. She wanted to throw him out of that bedroom right then and there, but something was holding her back. He was holding her back. He was so much stronger than she was, and that was enough to stifle her protest._

Be Strong, Sam. Be Strong._ She sighed. _Maybe tomorrow._  
_

"Mom?" Alex questioned shaking Sam out of her thoughts.

Sam looked up startled, "Hmmmmm?"

"Are you okay?" Alex questioned, concerned.

Sam nodded and took a bite of her ice cream, "I'm fine."

Cause you can't jump the track  
We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,  
No one can find the rewind button girl  
So just cradle your head in your hands.  
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe

* * *

A/N: Songs used in this chapter: 

Anna Nalick-

"Breathe (2 AM)"

"In the Rough"


	15. Chapter 15: The Man Without a Face

**What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life?**

**Chapter 15: The Man Without a Face (A.K.A. Prince Charming)**

A/N: I'm so sorry that it took so long to post this. I was away for a month and just got around to writing the next chapter yesterday. Anyway, please R/R.

* * *

"_It's beautiful isn't it?" He whispered into her ear; his breathe fogging the dry air. As he wrapped his arms around her waist from behind, Sam let out a sigh. It was comforting to know he was always going to be there for her. That was a comfort she hadn't felt in a long time. She finally found someone who really cared for her; someone was finally there to make her feel safe._

_Sam never turned to face him. She just continued to stare at the road below, as if in a trance, and nodded, "Yeah, it is beautiful." _

_As they stood there on the roof, the lights and noises of the world below seemed distant. It was as if they were the only two people left on the planet._

_He pulled her hand away from the cement wall and caressed it lovingly before taking it in his own. Slowly, he eased her around so that she was facing him, "Sam, I love you. I've always loved you."_

"_I love you too," She replied, "I love you too."_

* * *

"Sam, wake up. Multiple GSWs coming in," Kerry told her quickly. 

"But I'm not on," Sam mumbled, but it was useless. Kerry had already begun to make her way down the hall.

_Of all days, Kerry decides to take a shift today._

As she stood up, Sam rubbed her eyes and took a quick glance around. The lounge was dark except for the little light that was escaping from the hallway through the cracks in the door. Slowly, she made her way towards the door, her body still lagging from the lack of sleep she had been getting.

"How long was I asleep?" Sam questioned as she rounded the corner and approached admit.

Chuny handed her a trauma gown and shrugged, "I don't know. Maybe two hours? I think you crashed around seven. "

Sam let out a sigh, "I was off at six." She mumbled, "You know what? I wasn't even supposed to be on today. Plus, I have to go home for Alex."

"Please, Sam, we need your help." Chuny pleaded, "We could use all the extra hands we can get."

Sam nodded and proceeded towards the ambulance bay doors to wait for the incoming trauma, "Fine."

Outside the ambulance bay was still except for the flickering of one of the lamps. Sam stood in front of the doors that separated her from the outside world for a moment. In the far distance, she caught a glimpse of a figure. His dark hair blew in the wind as he ran his masculine hand through it.

A slight chill ran down Sam's spine as she stepped out into the ambulance bay. She drew her scrub top closer around her body in attempts to shelter herself from the bitter wind. That's when she realized who the figure was.

Luka.

"You know," he started as he began to approach her, "You could go get your coat. I don't think they'll be here for a while."

Sam shook her head, "I'm fine."

Luka shrugged.

"So you're really going aren't you?" She questioned.

"Yeah, I leave tomorrow morning. I'm on till the shift change, and then I'm out of here."

Sam nodded, "I guess I just didn't realize that you were leaving so soon."

"Yeah, well..."

Their conversation was cut short when the blaring of sirens came rushing into the ambulance bay. Luka gave Sam one last glance before rushing to the gurney's side.

"17 year old male." Pam stated as she rushed beside Sam, Luka, and Chuny, "GSW to the chest and abdomen. BP's 110 over 80. We had to bag em' at the scene."

Luka looked up and slung his stethoscope back around his shoulder "Looks like he may have collapsed a lung. Get Dubenko down here."

Sam nodded and walked over towards the phone. As she stood there, she couldn't help but think about Luka. He was leaving tomorrow, and there was nothing she could do to stop him. Ever since he told her he was leaving, she had been tearing herself to pieces, but it never even occurred to her that he would be leaving so soon.

"He's on his way," Sam announced hanging up the phone and walking back to the gurney.

Luka turned to Chuny, "30 milligrams of morphine-iv push."

All eyes were diverted when Jerry came bursting through the trauma doors, but they were quickly turned back to the body that was lying on the table.

"Yo Sam, that kid of yours is on line two," He said before returning to admit.

Sam looked at Luka who shooed her away, "Go, but get Haleh to take your place."

"Thank you," she said before exiting the room.

_Driving away from the wreck of the day  
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus  
Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love  
I'm just falling to pieces_

As she stood on the platform of the EL, Sam could feel tears welling up in her eyes. She was going to miss him; there was doubt in her mind about that. There were times lately were she would stay up the whole night contemplating whether she had done the right thing by breaking up with Luka, but in the end the side of her conscious, her brain that had told her to break up with Luka in the first place would always win. But now she was starting to wonder if she wanted the other side to win.

Her heart.

The train came to a screeching halt in front of Sam. At first she had half a notion to go back the County and tell Luka how she really felt about the whole matter. She wondered if she should go back and beg him not to go, but again her brain won.

"Come on Luka. It's time to go," Carter said approaching Luka at admit. Luka was currently talking to Abby who was curious to why he had decided to go back to Africa in the first place. He had simply told her that he was planning on going back for a while, but just never got the chance to. That way he was not only hiding the truth from her, but he was also hiding the truth from himself.

* * *

"Go where?" Luka inquired, "My surprise going away party?" 

"How'd you find out about that?" Carter said giving Abby an accusing eye.

"It wasn't me," Abby said defensively.

Luka let out a laugh, "You should know Carter that secrets aren't kept very long around here."

"Yeah, but still…"

Luka shook his head and made his way towards the lounge to retrieve his coat, "Oh, and by the way, it was Malik." he hollered as the door swung shut behind him.

"Malik," Carter mumbled

* * *

"Hey kiddo," Sam exclaimed as she stood behind Alex and ruffled his hair. He was sitting on the couch and occupying himself by watching some television show, "What are you watching?" She questioned. 

Alex turned to look at her for a moment and then diverted his attention back to the television screen, "_Drake and Josh_. Why's it matter anyway?"

Sam walked over the kitchen counter and set her handbag down on it, "No reason. I was just curious." She walked over and took a seat beside him on the couch, "What time did Erica leave?"

"I don't know. Around six I guess," he replied with a shrug.

"Sorry I was so late. There was a big trauma," Sam said leaning forward to grab a Root Beer that was on the coffee table.

"Hey that's mine!" Alex exclaimed.

Sam raised her eyebrows, "You aren't gonna drink all of them. Are you? I mean if you are you're welcome to this one also."

Alex grunted, "I can't."

"Yeah, didn't think so." She said taking a sip. As she leaned forward to set the bottle back on the table, Sam heard a loud thud come from the apartment above hers, "Shit!" She exclaimed jumping off of the couch, "Alex. I'll be right back."

"Yeah, sure," Alex replied, his eyes never leaving the TV screen.

As Sam rushed up the stairs that she found herself wondering up lately, she was stop dead in her tracks by a petite figure sitting on the steps. Her brunette curls were now limp and highlighted with the slight tint of blood. She had a long cut across the span of her cheek, and her eye was severely bruised.

"Alyssa, are you okay?" She asked leaning down to assess her wounds.

Alyssa nodded weakly, "He asked me to make pasta, but I didn't have any. I made him meatloaf instead." She paused for a moment and took a deep breath, "I should have gotten him pasta."

Sam gave her a slight smile, "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Three."

"Good," Sam replied giving her a reassuring smile, "Now, can you stand up."

Alyssa nodded and attempted to stand, but stumbled in the process. Sam gave Alyssa her hand and helped her rise from the cold step.

"Now let's go to my apartment and get you cleaned up," Sam offered, beginning to descend the steps.

Alyssa nodded, "Thank you."

* * *

"You know," Sam started as she shut the door, "You really should go to the hospital and get stitches." 

Alyssa shook her head, "No, he would kill me if I did that. It's my fault he does this to me in the first place. If I only didn't get him so angry all the time, things would be different."

Sam shook her head, "No they wouldn't. Alyssa, none of this is your fault. No one deserves to be treated the way he treats you."

"I should just learn how to listen to him. I should not be so defiant." Alyssa mumbled to herself. She looked up at Sam who was getting the first aid kit out of the medicine cabinet, "I get what's coming to me. That's what Michael says."

"No you don't. I'm telling you. You can't let him treat you like that." She took Alyssa's arm and looked it over, "How'd he do this?"

She shrugged, "I don't know."

"It's going to need to be set, and a cast is going to need to be put on." Sam mumbled to herself. She looked up, "You really should go to the hospital. You know get checked out by a doctor."

"I can't. You don't understand. I just can't."

* * *

"So you're really leaving?" Abby questioned Luka who was sitting across from her. She knew that he had lied to her earlier about why he was leaving, but she didn't want to be a pest. 

Luka nodded, "Yep. I leave tomorrow, and I'm not quite sure when I'm going to be coming back."

"Please, Luka, promise me one thing," Abby pleaded as she took a sip of the soda that the waitress had recently placed in front of her.

Luka shrugged.

"Just don't get yourself killed," she said standing up, "I have to get home. I have an early shift tomorrow, but I'll see you later, okay, Kovac?"

Luka stood up and wrapped his arms around her, "Abby." He said placing his head in her hair.

She finally turned herself around. There was no more drinking. No more smoking. He sighed, "I'm so proud of you Abby."

On top of that, she had worked her way through medical school, and that took guts. He always knew that she was going to make a terrific doctor, but he never really realized it until he saw her with the patients. To Luka a patient was always just another patient.

But to Abby, a patient was a person. Patients were human. They had emotions, and sometimes those emotions overwhelmed them. It was at that time that they needed consoling, and caring.

Luka was a doctor at heart. Abby was always going to be a nurse at heart.

Abby grabbed her jacket off the back of the chair and slung it over her shoulders, "Did Sam come?" She questioned.

Luka shook his head, "She had to go home. I haven't seen her since the trauma earlier."

"You should go see her before you leave. I think you two need to talk."

Luka shrugged.

"Take care of yourself, Kovac." Abby said as she opened the door, "We need you here."

* * *

Sam opened the freezer and filled a zip-lock bag with ice. She wrapped it with a towel and handed it to Alyssa who then placed it on her arm, "You know if you don't get that set it may heal improperly." 

"I already told you, I can't go to the hospital."

Sam sighed and shook her head, "Okay. Whatever you say."

"Hey mom," Alex called emerging from the family room, "Do we have any ice cream?" He paused for a moment and looked at the woman who was sitting at the table next to his mother, "What happened to you?" He questioned.

"Alex!" Sam exclaimed.

Alyssa let out a laugh and extended her hand, "It's okay Sam. I'm Alyssa James. I fell down the steps and your mom was just patching me up."

"Why didn't you just go to the hospital?" He mumbled under his breath.

"It's in the freezer." Sam said motioning towards the unit at the far side of the room, "Did you check your blood sugar?"

Alex nodded as he pulled the ice cream carton out of the freezer, "Yep."

"Okay."

* * *

"I can't believe you're leaving again," Carter told Luka who was now sitting at the bar, "When you said earlier that you weren't going back, I actually thought you meant it. What made you change your mind? " 

"I don't know. I guess I've just been thinking about it for a while, and now seemed like a good time to go. If you know what I mean."

Carter nodded.

Their conversation was cut short when Carter's cell phone rang. He reached down to answer it.

"Hello?" Luka could hear a feminine voice on the other line. "Okay. I'll be right there," Carter finished as he hung up the phone. He turned to Luka who was still not sure of what the conversation was about, "I got to go. I'll see you later, okay?"

Luka nodded, "Where are you going?" He questioned.

"It was an emergency. I'm sorry I really have to go," Carter replied, "I have to run to the hospital, but then can you cover for me?"

Luka nodded.

"Be careful out there, Luka."

* * *

Sam jumped up from the table when she heard the telephone ring, "Okay, I'll buss you in. I'm on the 2nd floor-apartment 208," She replied before hanging up the phone. 

"Who was that?" Alyssa questioned.

Sam looked up startled that Alyssa had finally decided to talk after such a long silence, "Just a friend from work. I ask him to come and set your arm."

"Sam, why did you?"

"I told you Alyssa. It needs to be set."

There was a knock at the door and Alex rushed to answer it. He stood there for a moment looking at the person who stood in front of him before ushering him inside, "Hey Carter." He said slamming the door behind him.

"Watch it! I'm not planning on paying for a new door any time soon," Sam called from the kitchen.

"What do ya' got in there?" Alex asked peeking inside the bag, "A splint? Awesome!"

Sam rose from the table and went to meet Carter, "Thank you for coming."

"No problem. Now let me see that arm."

Sam shook her head, "It's not my arm."

"It's mine," Alyssa said emerging from the kitchen.

Carter stood there for a moment in sheer shock. Her eye was swollen shut and bruised, and there was a cut that ran down her cheek. At the top of each arm there were bruises that looked like that came from someone grasping her too hard.

"My name is Alyssa James," She said breaking the silence and extending her arm.

"She really should go the hospital," Carter whispered in Sam's ear.

Sam turned to face him, "You think I didn't try that?"

"Well, you didn't tell me to bring any suture kits." Carter said unpacking the bag, "Now let me see that arm."

* * *

While Sam and Carter stood outside in the hallway, Alex and Alyssa were fast asleep inside. They had been standing out there talking about Luka's departure for a while. It was at that moment that Sam realized how hard it was going to be without Luka. She realized how she was always going to be worrying about him. 

"Thank you," She whispered.

Carter nodded, "It's a great thing you're doing here Sam, but please be careful. Take care of yourself."

Sam nodded, "I'll be okay. I know what I'm doing."

"I'm sure you do."

They stood there for a moment staring at each other, and then Carter leaned in to kiss her. At first Sam wanted to stop it, but then she didn't know what she wanted. After a few seconds, he pulled away.

"I'm sorry."

Sam sighed, "It's okay. It's not like I stopped it."

"I better get going," he said motioning towards the elevator.

Sam nodded, "Yeah."

"Okay."

As he walked away, Sam stood there staring at him. She remembered the dream she had had earlier, and how she had never really got a good look at his face. Was Carter the man in the dream? The man "without a face", or was Luka.

She'd just have to find out in due time.

* * *

Sam watched Alyssa, who was sleeping soundly on the couch. Her arms were spread eagle, and it seemed as if, while she slept there, she had nothing to worry about in the world. Sam knew though as soon as she woke up she would turn into that scared little girl again. She knew this because she had been that scared little girl. 

She still was that scared little girl.

Quietly, she crept over to her bedroom door. She stopped briefly in front of Alex's door before opening it and stepping inside. Sam gave a quick glance to his slumbering figure before closing the door and walking the rest of the way to her bedroom.

_If Steve had stayed, what would our life be like?_ Sam questioned herself. _Maybe his life wouldn't be as messed up as he claims it is. _Then it hit her. If she hadn't insisted that he leave when he would show up, the beatings would have continued.

Same with if she had never left him in the first place.

She loved her son to death, and it was obvious that all Sam wanted was for him to be happy. Soon, she began to wonder if she had done the right thing by depriving her son of his father. Yet again though, it wasn't completely her fault that he was never around. He would show up for a few days and then disappear without so much as a word.

But then there were the times that they would disappear. Sam had to be brutally honest with herself. She was scared to death of Steve. She was scared of what he would do to her if he got high or drunk one night. She was scared of what he might do to Alex.

At least that's what she told herself.

Maybe she was making up the whole thing. Did Steve really abuse her, or was this just her excuse for never staying in one place for long? She had been running her whole life. Running from Steve.

Running from herself.

For the longest time, all Sam wanted was to be situated in one place. She wanted to have one boyfriend. She had gotten what she wanted in Chicago, but she blew it. Now instead of moving forward it seemed as if her life was on pause, and she didn't know whether she wanted to push rewind or push play because there was a chance she might have missed something important earlier in her life.

_Driving away from the wreck of the day  
And the light's always red in the rear-view  
Desperately close to a coffin of hope  
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you_

* * *

A/N: Lyrics from Anna Nalick's "Wreck of the Day" 


	16. Chapter 16: Goodbye Kovac

**What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life?  
Chapter 16: Goodbye Kovac**

A/N: I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. I've been really busy lately. Anyway, look on the bright side. You get a really long update. Look for the next chapter coming soon... Please R/R.

* * *

Silence. The world outside was silent as Luka rounded the corner to Sam's apartment. There was not a car to be seen for miles. Down the street, Luka could make out the figures of delicate snowflakes as they danced under the dim streetlight.

Luka diverted his attention to Sam's apartment as he parked his car on the opposite side of the street. Sure enough a single light was still on.

He sat there staring into space for a moment as he thought over Abby's words from earlier that night, "_You should go see her before you leave. I think you two need to talk."_ Was he doing the right thing? Or was he just getting himself into another mess?

_If we had something to talk about, we would have talked about it earlier._ Luka sighed and looked back up at Sam's apartment building. He had been there so many times before. Why was it so hard to talk himself into going up there now?

Out of the corner of his eye, Luka caught a glimpse of a figure as it emerged from the glass door. Why did he look so familiar? The man's hair was frizzy and his eyes were red from exhaustion.

_Carter._ Luka thought with a sigh as he diverted his attention back to the window. Sam was sitting on the windowsill as she stared at the world below. The light coming from her apartment was faint and shadows lingered on her face.

She looked just as tousled as Carter. Her curls were now limp and her face was stained from her mascara running down her cheeks. Sam watched Carter's retreating figure but her attention was quickly diverted when she caught a glimpse of the white Explorer parked across the street from her apartment building. She stood there for a while and just stared at it.

Had he come to see her? Surely, that meant something. At that moment she had half a mind to go down there and talk to him. She didn't care one bit about what she looked like. Was he feeling what she was feeling? That was all that mattered.

_But he's leaving tomorrow. How are you going to feel when you pour your heart out to him and he still decides to leave?_ Her brain nagged. _Do you really want to put yourself in that position when you can avoid it?_

Her whole life Sam had found ways to keep herself from getting heart broken but, in the long run, that meant always blocking herself from the world. It meant not letting a man get to her. She couldn't fall it love because she just might get her heart ripped out.

_Do something exciting for once, _her heart pleaded. _You never know, something good may come out of it._

_But, the last time you did something like that, look what happened._

Sam had given away her heart once. She wasn't about to do that again. Everything went wrong the last time she opened up to someone. She got pregnant and then he left in the middle of the night without so much as a word.

_I don't know where you're going_  
_and I don't know why,_  
_but listen to your heart_  
_before you tell him goodbye._

If Luka really loved her, he would be the one to make the first move. Unfortunately, that never happened.

As soon as Luka realized who was leaving Sam's apartment, he restarted his car and made his way down the street.

She had moved on.

* * *

"What can I get for you?" The bartender questioned leaning on the counter. 

Luka shrugged, "Beer's fine. I really don't care." He ran a hand through his hair and sighed, glancing towards the door.

"Bad day?"

"I guess you can say that."

"Wanna talk about it?" He inquired as he handed Luka the beer.

"I'd rather not," Luka replied shaking his head.

"Suit yourself."

It was times like these that Luka could not find comfort in people. He was like an unopened book in some ways, and that book was very hard to read People were always trying to get him to talk. There was that time that Kerry Weaver had sent him to therapy but, in all truthfulness, he needed someone that he could really find comfort in and not the hospital shrink.

He needed someone to love him again.

Those were the times, when his world was turned upside down, and he could find comfort in no one, that he found comfort in drinking. His friends were concerned but, if they were so concerned, why didn't they find the time to try to understand?

* * *

Alex tiptoed into the kitchen where he found Sam sitting at the kitchen table. He pulled a chair away from the table and sat down before turning to face his mother. He could tell something was bothering her. She was still wearing her clothes from the day before, and her face sagged with exhaustion. They sat there for a moment staring at each other. 

"I hear he's leaving tomorrow," Alex said breaking the silence.

"Who?"

"Luka," he replied as he bit one of his nails.

"Don't do that," she said shooing at his hand

"So is he?" Alex questioned.

Sam nodded.

"Do you want him to leave?"

"I don't know."

"Come on. You have to know how you feel. I mean seriously Mom." He stood up and made his way towards the cabinets. Slowly, he reached into the back of it and pulled out two bowls, "You want some ice cream?"

Sam shook her head, "No, Alex, it's late."

"Come on Mom. It will make you feel better. Trust me," Alex said giving his mother a slight smile.

Sam sighed. "Okay, sure. Why not, but not too much," she told him taking the bowls from him and setting them on the table. "How do you do it?" she questioned.

"Do what?" he said turning to face her, a carton of ice cream in hand.

"Talk me into changing my mind?"

Alex placed the carton on the table. "Can't say. It's a secret."

"Oh, is it?" she inquired raising an eyebrow. "You know, when I was your age, I wasn't stupid enough to tell my parents that."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean, now you gotta tell me what your secret is."

"Who says?"

"I say," she said standing up to tickle him.

"Oh, no fair!" He screamed.

"How is that not fair?" she questioned continuing to tickle him.

"Cause."

"Come on Mom."

"I'll stop if you tell me what your secret is." She paused for a moment and let out a laugh. "You know it may be useful some day with my boss."

"Oh, yeah sure. You know it won't work. It only works on you."

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"You know exactly what it means."

Sam looked at him in astonishment, "Don't be a smart ass."

"I'm not being a smart ass. It's the truth."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah?"

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"It doesn't work on me. Just for that, you don't get any ice cream."

"Come on Mom!"

"You think I'm so easy to win over? Then you aren't going to be able to win me over anymore," Sam replied as she placed the bowls back in the cabinet. "Put this back," she said handing him the ice cream carton.

"You still love him don't you?" He asked putting the carton back in the freezer.

"I already told you. I don't know."

"Why don't you tell him?"

Sam gave him a slight smile and sighed, "I don't know."

_I know there's something in the wake of your smile.  
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.  
You've built a love but that love falls apart.  
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark._

"Shit!" Luka exclaimed looking at his beeper. This couldn't be happening. If Kerry Weaver found out that he was drinking when he was on call, he could get fired. He sighed and was silent for a moment as he thought over the situation.

He had to go to work. After all, he was on call.

"What is it?" the bartender questioned, his eyes glancing downward towards Luka's beeper.

Luka sighed, "The hospital."

"Oh."

"Here, I gotta go," he replied reaching into his pocket for his wallet.

"Yeah, see ya."

"Where were you?" Lewis questioned as Luka made his way through the ambulance bay doors.

Luka sighed, "Out?"

Susan was silent for a moment as she glanced over Luka. "Have you been drinking?" she inquired.

"Just a bit," he replied with a shrug.

"Luka, you're an attending! You should know better."

"I'm sorry."

Susan sighed, "Don't tell me you're sorry. Go home, Kovac. You're in no condition to work."

"Fine," Luka mumbled under his breath as he exited through the doors through which he entered.

"Goodbye for now Luka Kovac," Susan said before turning and walking back to the board.

* * *

"You going to bed?" Alex questioned from the doorway that separated the kitchen from the hallway. He stared at Sam for a moment waiting for her to answer, but an answer never came. He shrugged, "Well I'm going to bed." 

As Alex turned to leave, Sam spoke up, "Goodnight."

Alex turned to face her giving her a slight smile, "Goodnight," he replied before continuing down the hallway leaving Sam to her own thoughts. She sat there for a moment in utter silence.

_I kissed Carter._ _Is it really fair not to allow Luka to do the same?_

_This is different._ She reassured herself. _I love_ _Luka._

_I_ love _Luka._

The words echoed over and over in her head. Maybe Alex had been right. She had lost her only chance to be with Luka because she was too wrapped up in her own feelings. That was going to cost her.

She sighed. _He was leaving anyway. It's not like I could have stopped him._

In some ways, Sam wished that she had found a way to stop him. It was her fault he was leaving in the first place. After all, he decided to leave after things hit 'rock bottom' with their relationship.

We should have talked- tried to work out our problems, but instead we both tried to avoid confrontation.

Why was it so hard for her to get over the fact that Luka had moved on? She and Alex had lived without a man their entire life. Now, it seemed as if she couldn't live without a man- as if, she couldn't live without Luka.

Sam stood up from the chair in which she had been seated and took a quick glance around the room, her eyes stopping at the clock. The second hand slowly made its way around in a circle, ticking each time a second passed.

She diverted her attention to the window. It was now frosted from the bitter temperatures. As she looked at the streets below, Sam let out a sad sigh, "Our first winter in Chicago."

The snow had stopped a while ago, and now the streets and lawns of the Chicago area were covered with a white blanket. Everything was still, silent.

Sam made her way over to the window. As she stood there leaning against the windowpane, she continued to stare at the streets below.

_This is for the best_. Sam told herself closing her eyes. _This is for the best._

_Driving away from the wreck of the day  
And it's finally quiet in my head  
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed_

Daybreak came too soon. As the sun's warm rays hit Sam's face, she let out a long yawn. In the far corner of the room, Sam could see her clothes on the rocker where she had placed them the night before. On the dresser was a picture of her, Alex, and Luka. She had been tempted to put it away, where she couldn't see it, but in the end it always ended up staying there. She just didn't have the heart to remove it.

Making her way into the family room, Sam glanced to the sofa where Alyssa had spent the night, but found it to be vacant. She stood up, her body still lagging with exhaustion.

Sam glanced into the kitchen. The bowls and dishes from dinner were piled up on the counter, and a single bowl sat on the table filled with - now melted - ice cream.

Forcing herself to wake up, Sam made her way down the hallway and up the stairs to Alyssa's apartment. She knocked lightly on the door and waited for a response, but when none came she turned the handle- that happened to be unlocked.

The apartment reeked of smoke and ash. In the far side of the room, there were empty beer bottles on the coffee table and on the floor.

"Alyssa," Sam called, "Are you here?"

No response.

"Alyssa?" Sam questioned stepping farther into the apartment. It seemed to be empty - as if no one had been there for days.

But Alyssa had been there just last night.

* * *

"What's for breakfast?" Alex questioned as he stepped into the kitchen.

Sam turned to face him from where she was standing in front of the sink with a cup of coffee, "Whatever cereal there is in the cabinet that you would like." She replied bluntly.

Alex glared at her angrily before walking over to the cabinet and taking out a box of _Frosted Flakes_. As he poured the cereal into the bowl, he turned to Sam,

"Where's Alyssa?"

"She had to leave."

"Where'd she have to go at 7 o'clock in the morning?"

"She didn't say."

Alex shrugged.

"Come on Alex," Sam said changing the subject. "If you don't hurry up, you're going to be late for school, and I'm going to be late for work." She placed her now empty coffee mug in the sink.

"You can leave. I don't have to go to school."

Sam walked over to the refrigerator to retrieve his lunch. Handing it to him, she replied, "Yes you do."

"Dad wouldn't make me go to school," Alex mumbled under his breath as he placed the empty bowl into the sink.

"What was that?"

"Oh nothing."

* * *

"Are you waiting for someone?" Sam questioned an old woman who was standing in the ambulance bay when she arrived. She was wearing a hospital gown and staring into space, "Are you okay?"

No response. Sam shrugged and walked through the double doors.

"We missed you yesterday," Abby told Sam.

"What?" Sam questioned setting her bag down on the counter.

"You know. At Luka's party," She replied erasing her name off the board.

Sam nodded quickly forgetting about the subject and grabbed a chart, "There's an old woman outside in and ER gown. Does anyone know who she belongs to?"

Abby shrugged ignoring her comment, "I think he would have liked you to be there."

"Oh," Sam replied as she glanced over the chart.

Abby took the chart from Sam causing Sam to look up at her, "You know, he's a good guy. You just have to get to know him."

"Oh, trust me I knew him," she mumbled under her breath.

"He didn't want to leave you. Your breakup hit him hard."

_Now he's talking about our relationship with everybody but me? _

Sam shrugged taking the chart back from Abby, "Really?" she asked nonchalantly before walking away.

* * *

As Sam pushed open the door to Exam 2, she gave the little girl sitting on the bed a reassuring smile before proceeding to see the old woman from earlier. She was sitting by the window looking out of it contently. The busy halls of the ER amused her.

"Mrs. Okonski?" She inquired approaching the bed.

Mrs. Okonski diverted her attention from the window and looked at Sam, "Please doll. Call me Helen."

Sam smiled and nodded. "Helen... Well Helen, if you don't mind, I'm going to draw some blood."

Helen nodded and turned back to the window, "I'm waiting for my Leslie. She should be here soon."

"Well if I see here I'll point her in your direction," Sam replied with a smile.

"She was named after Leslie Caron. You know from _Gigi _and _American in Paris_."

Sam nodded and gave her a slight smile, "I'll be right back Helen." She said shutting the door behind her.

* * *

"I'm going to get lunch," Sam told Frank as she pushed the door open to the lounge. She paused for a moment before walking over to her locker.

"How's Alyssa doing?" Carter questioned from where he was situated on the couch.

Sam looked up unaware that someone was in the room, "Huh?"

"Alyssa. How's she doing?"

Sam shrugged, "I don't know, she left before I woke up this morning."

Carter nodded, "So…"

After Sam pulled her bag out of her locker, she turned to face Carter, "I'm going to go grab something to eat across the street or something. Want to go get something with me?" She inquired.

"Sure. Why not?" Carter replied with a shrug and a slight smile crossing his face.

-

"I was thinking, are you still thinking about renting my basement?" Carter asked as he sat down beside Sam at the counter. He tapped his fingers expectantly on the countertop.

Sam was silent for a moment.

"I'm not sure what I'm going to do… I um' haven't talked to Alex yet." She replied trying to avoid the subject.

Carter shrugged and shifted uncomfortably, "Well… when you decide…"

Sam gave him a slight smile. Talking about the subject made Sam uncomfortable. She felt bad for Carter. It was obvious that Carter had a crush on her, and after last night, it was even harder to talk to him about this. It was just hard to talk to him in general.

Carter's eyes cast downward when he realized that Sam was at a loss for words, " I uh… well… you don't have to make any decisions right away."

Sam cleared her throat in attempts to get Carter to look back up at her. When she didn't succeed, she decided to continue anyway, "At the moment, I think Alex and I would be better of staying where we are. If you know what I mean?" Sam's eyes glanced downward.

"Yeah," Carter mumbled as he tapped his coffee cup.

Sam looked back up at Carter, "I'll… I'll just have to see. Let me talk to Alex. You know… see what he thinks."

Carter met Sam's eyes for a moment. She gave him a sympathetic smile and blew a laggard curl out of her face.

Carter let out a sigh, "I better be getting back." He said after a moment of utter silence.

Sam nodded, "I'll see you later then."

"Yeah," Carter replied bluntly as he stood up. After placing his plate in the trash, he made his way back to the hospital the door swinging shut behind him. Sam looked up, startled, as the door met the threshold with a smack.

_Why is everything falling apart?_ Sam questioned herself cupping her head in her hands. _When I think I'm finally getting my life back on track, something comes along and pulls me back off._

-

"Sam that old lady in Exam 2 is looking for you," Frank told her as she walked wandered through the ambulance bay doors in deep thought. She didn't look up to face him just simply nodded.

"What's wrong with you? Got your panties in a twist?" He questioned showing no remorse.

Sam glanced upward and raised an eyebrow at his snide remark. He was eating a meatball sub and had red sauce dripping down from his mouth. Sam raised her nose in disgust, "Should you really be eating that?" She inquired leaning against the counter.

Frank shrugged, "If I eat this, and I'm fine I guess I can call it sheer luck. And if I eat this and die, then I die happy."

Sam let out a chuckle and nodded, "I don't think I could agree with you more." She motioned towards exam 2, "I better go check on her."

Standing up, she started making her way towards the lounge door to go put her coat back in her locker. She paused at the door for a moment before pushing it open.

"You know," Frank called out to her. "It's kind of sad. She follows you around like a sick puppy."

Sam pushed the door open and rolled her eyes, "A puppy, Frank."

He gave her a nonchalant shrug, "Sure. Why not?"

-

"Is everything okay Mrs. Okonski?" Sam questioned approaching her bedside. She checked her Banana bag and then turned to face her. Sam could tell that she had had a lot of stress in her life, and in the long run, all it did was age her.

Her hair that was once so long and vibrant was now gray and delicate. It was pulled into a braid, and a loose curl seemed to dance across her face. Even though she would occasionally give Sam a reassuring smile, Sam could still see the coldness and sadness in her eyes.

Helen looked up from the window and gave Sam her famous smile. Sam couldn't explain it, but whenever she did that she felt better. She didn't have a worry in the world. There was no Carter. No Luka.

No Steve.

Helen cleared her throat, "Oh yes dearie. I was just wondering if you've seen my daughter."

Sam shook her head, "I'm sorry. I haven't. Would you like me to see if I can get a hold of her?"

"Oh no. You don't have to do that. She'll be here."

Sam nodded and turned to leave but stopped as soon as she heard Helen speak up, "I don't mean to cause any trouble, but I'd greatly appreciate it if you stayed with me for a while. I'd really enjoy the company."

Sam turned around to face her and shrugged, "Sure, why not. I don't have anything else to do." She made her way over to the bed and sat down at the foot of it.

"Thank you," Helen whispered, gingerly placing her hand on Sam's cheek.

She felt safe when Sam was there. There was someone there who cared about her- physically and emotionally, and that's when Sam realized she had had that comfort before.

She had felt that way when she was with Luka- except now, that comfort was gone.

-

Sam crept out of Exam 2 soon after Helen fell fast asleep. The halls of the ER where now congested with patients. They were lying on gurneys that where lined up against the walls, and at least 30 people were sitting in chairs.

"Watch it!" Ray called rushing down the hall. Sam veered out of the way and stood there for a moment dumbfounded. She watched Ray as he continued to run down the hall.

At admit, Susan was leaning against the counter talking to Abby. Morris was hovering close by listening contently to them. They seemed to be deep in conversation, but Susan quickly turned to Sam as she approached admit, "Where have you been?"

Sam looked up startled, "With a patient?"

"One patient?"

Sam nodded.

Susan sighed, "So you were with one patient while the rest of us were juggling 15 patients at once?"

"I'm sorry."

Susan shook her head, "Just don't do it again. I need you here." She was silent for a moment as she thought about what she had just told Sam. Sam was beginning to walk away, but Susan stopped her just before she managed to leave, "I'm sorry Sam." She said reverting her original choice of words, "Please though, try and see more patients."

Sam nodded and sighed before proceeding to the lounge.

_Why can't I do anything right lately?_ Sam asked herself. _I thought I was doing a good thing by being there for Mrs. Okonski, but in the end I get yelled at for spending too much time with her. You can never be right._

Sam was worried about Mrs. Okonski. There was something familiar about her that she just couldn't place. She wished she could do something for Helen. Maybe try to find Leslie and get her to come and see her mother.

Sam jumped when she heard the door being pushed open. Shifting slightly so she could see whom it was, Sam let out a sigh, "My god Abby! You scared me."

Abby gave her a slight smile as she approached her locker, "I'm sorry." She bent down and began groping around for her wallet. Once she retrieved it, she turned to face Sam, "Luka's plane just landed." She sat down at the table beside Sam, "He said he had a connecting flight."

Sam nodded and glanced downward. It hurt her that he would call Abby and not her. Yes, he had known Abby longer, but to Sam it just didn't seem right that he didn't call her also.

"He loves you Sam," Abby said breaking the silence.

Sam looked up to face her, "He does?"

Abby nodded.

"Then why didn't he come up last night?" She inquired tears beginning to well up in her eyes, "If he loved me, he wouldn't have left."

"That's what I told myself when Carter left." She sighed, "You need to go after him Sam. You may regret it later."

"It's too late."

Abby gave Sam a slight smile, "Sam, it's never too late."

_And there are voices  
that want to be heard.  
So much to mention  
but you can't find the words._

**TBC**

A/N: I'm not quite sure what songs I used in this chapter. I'm pretty sure it was "Listen to Your Heart" by: DHT? and "Wreck of the Day" by Anna Nalick. Please review.**  
**


	17. Chapter 17: Falling Fast

**What are you Doing the Rest of Your Life?**

**Chapter 17: Falling Fast**

Running a hand through her limp curls, Sam let out a sigh and leaned back against the wall. The cool air escaping through the airtight ambulance bay doors sent a slight chill up her spine. Outside dark clouds hovered threatening to overflow. Drawing her coat a bit tighter around herself, Sam proceeded out the doors and stood for a minute in deep thought.

Abby's words from earlier rang over and over in her head, "He loves you Sam."

Maybe Abby was right. Surely, it was possible that at one point in time they may have been able to work things out, but now Luka was gone.

And when he returned things were sure to be different between the two of them.

Sam never expected it to end the way it did. She expected icy stares and cruel remarks, but she never expected him to just up and leave without so much as a word. There was some part of her that wish she had convinced him to stay, but in the end she would always end up convincing herself that she was doing the right thing- even if deep in her gut she knew she wasn't.

At first she was unaware of the raindrops that were beginning to hit her delicate cheeks. She sighed inwardly. Things had gotten to complicated. It was never suppose to end the way it did.

She was never supposed to have fallen in love.

The rain fell in sheets around her as she stood there, staring up at the sky, questioning where she wanted her life to head. Pursing her lips, Sam pulled hood up and took a seat on a nearby bench.

The sound of the repetitive rain was peaceful as it hit the roof. Sam leaned back and closed her eyes letting the cool water wash over her.

"Long day?" Carter questioned as he took a seat beside Sam on the bench.

Sam looked up startled by the presence of someone else's voice but her own. She was silent for a moment and then nodded, "I never would have though he would decide to leave."

Carter stared at her dumbfounded.

"Luka," Sam said with a sigh as she ran a hand through her hair.

Carter nodded, "He tends to run way when things get rough."

Sam cocked an eyebrow, "What do you mean?" She inquired.

Carter was silent for a moment as he questioned whether he had told her too much.

Sam pursed her lips and closed her eyes, "Are you saying this is my fault?" She hunched her body forward and held her head in her hands.

Carter shook his head and looked up at the gray clouds that were still hovering overhead, "No, I'm just saying that he tends to not deal with his problems. He tends to run away for them. From himself."

Sam sighed inwardly and glanced upward at Carter, "I don't know." She said shaking her head, "I just feel like everything that has been happening lately has been my fault."

"Don't worry. It's not your fault," He said pulling her into his embrace.

Sam pulled away cowardly surprised by his sudden actions.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," She replied shaking her head.

As she stood up to reenter the hospital, Carter caught her by the arm, "You deserve something so much better." He pursed his lips, "I just don't understand how he could ever leave you… hurt you… the way he did."

Sam shook her head, "Don't make assumptions." She caught Carter's gaze as he wiped his brow with his sleeve, "Luka's a good man. I'm the screw up."

Carter sighed, "Don't say that."

She sat back down beside him and leaned her head on his shoulder, "I'm a screw up." She whispered in his ear, "I… I don't know." Tears were escaping from her eyes and making their way down her cheeks, staining them in the process, "I never meant to hurt him." She sobbed.

He wasn't quite sure what it was about this woman, but it had finally happened.

He was falling. Falling fast.

-

Brushing a hand through Sam's limp curls, Carter placed a simple kiss on her forehead, "Listen. A bunch of us are going out tonight. Getting a few drinks… you know." He paused for a moment, "I was wondering if you wanted to go with me.

Sam sighed and shook her head, "Sorry I can't." She replied giving him a sincere smile, "Alex."

Carter nodded and shrugged, "Maybe some other time."

Sam nodded, "Well, thank you." She said standing up and heading to the car that was now making its way into the ambulance bay, "I don't know what I would have done without you being there to talk to." She opened the door for Alex and then turned around to face Carter again, "You're a great friend."

"Yeah." Carter mumbled, "A great friend."

-

"Oh my god mom! Guess what happened at school today?" Alex exclaimed, his voice was high and squeaky. This was not only because of his getting older, but also because excitement was poking its way through and making itself evident. He threw his backpack on the couch as he entered the lounge. Taking a seat next to it, he looked at his mother expectantly, "Guess!"

Sam shrugged unsure of what could excite her son so much, "I don't know." She said as she leaned back against the counter, the corner digging into the small of her back.

"Oh come on. Just guess."

She shifted her weight and gripped her chin with one hand as she twirled a lock of hair with the other in attempts to make it look as if she was thinking, "Hmmm…."

"Come on mom." He said making Sam jump up to her original position next to the counter, "I'll give you a hint. It has to do with a snake."

Sam cocked an eyebrow, "A snake?"

Alex nodded.

" I don't know. Did someone bring in a snake to show and tell?" She questioned as she shoved her hand into one of the pockets of her scrubs.

"Mom, I haven't had show in tell since like first grade," He replied rolling his eyes.

"I don't know then. Tell me."

Alex glared at her for giving up so easily and then shrugged, "Whatever. If you don't want to know…"

Sam let out a slight chuckle, "Come on tell me."

"Okay. It was so cool. Mikey brought in a snake today because we wanted to scare Ashley during recess. We stuck it in Mikey's lunch box so we could bring it out with use after lunch." He paused for a moment, "Anyway, when we opened the bag to get it, it was gone."

Sam stood up straight and glared at him, "Alex Taggart. What happened to the snake?"

Alex chuckled softly, "Ashley found it. It had decided to take a nap in her shoe when she took it off in gym."

Sam sighed and paused for a moment, "None of the teachers found out that the snake thing was your doing right?"

Alex shrugged nonchalantly, "I don't know. All they know is that it was Mikey's snake."

"Because you know Alex… if you mess up one more time you could get suspended."

"Why would I care? It's a day off."

"Don't talk like that." Sam said as she blew a laggard lock out of her eyes, "You know… Why do you always try and cause trouble?" She questioned.

Alex shrugged, "It's fun." He leaned back into the couch and closed his eyes, "What other reason would I have to go to school?"

"To learn," Sam replied.

"Right," Alex replied glancing upward towards her and rolling his eyes.

Sam turned her back to him as she poured herself a cup of coffee, "You know I though you were smarter than that."

"What do you mean?" Alex inquired sitting back up, fully alert.

"I don't know… when I was your age, I wasn't stupid enough to tell my parents the things that went on at school."

"Or outside of school," Alex mumbled.

"What was that?" Sam questioned.

Alex shrugged, "Nothing." He paused for a moment as he glanced outside the window to the ambulance bay, "Can I sleep over Ryan's?"

"I don't know Alex. After what happened at school today."

"Please," He begged.

Sam sighed, "Sure."

Alex ran up to hug her, "You're the best mom ever."

Sam rolled her eyes, "You would think…"

-

As Sam flipped through a chart at admit, she sighed inwardly. It seemed as if, at this point, the day was never going to end. She adverted her gaze to an incoming trauma as it pushed its way through the ambulance bay doors. Carter ran beside it barking orders to one of the nurses- who she assumed was filling in from upstairs. He caught her gaze and gave her a slight smile before redirecting his attention to the gurney in front of him.

Hugging the chart, Sam pursed her lips and closed her eyes. _Maybe…_

Maybe she was wrong by turning Carter down with out really thinking about what she was doing… what she wanted to do. She was still trying to get over Luka. Would it really be fair to get Carter caught in the middle? She bit her bottom lip.

He already was caught in the middle.

He had feelings for her. That much was obvious. To some extent, Sam questioned if turning him down burned more that knowing that she was really in love with someone else.

He was civil…one_ thing to be thankful for._ She could see the hurt in his eyes as she made an excuse of why not to go out with him for the evening.

She just couldn't do it though. She couldn't lie to him, but most importantly, she couldn't lie to herself.

Sam was jolted out of her thoughts when Jerry came around the corner, a jelly donut at hand. She gave him a slight smile and cocked an eyebrow, "You've got Jelly on your beard." She said with a chuckle.

Jerry swatted at his face and then looked at Sam expectantly.

Sam nodded and shook her head slightly in amusement, "Was Mrs. Okonski admitted to medicine?" She questioned.

Jerry gave her a nonchalant shrug, "I don't know. Check the board."

Sam rolled her eyes and leaned against the counter as she eyed triage full of patients.

"You know… we're not paying you for this," Jerry said as he signed off on some of the papers at the desk. He shook his head.

Sam turned to face him and motioned to the crumb left of the jelly donut, "And we're not paying you to do that," She remarked.

Jerry rolled his eyes and went back to what he was working on leaving Sam to her own thoughts.

Sam's attention was diverted to Abby who was making her way towards admit, her hand digging deep into one of her lab coat pockets. Abby gave her a slight smile and licked her lips, "I found Leslie."

"Leslie?"

"You know that daughter of one of your patients?"

Sam nodded, "Mrs. Okonski?"

Abby shrugged, "Well, she still lives in Chicago." She paused for a moment, "Turns out she lives down the street from her mother."

Sam was silent for a moment as she thought over what Abby had just said. Could she ever drift that far apartment from Alex if things kept going on the way they did?

Abby blew a laggard strand of hair out of her eyes, "She refused to come and see her mother." She handed a piece of paper with a number scribbled down on it to Sam, "Maybe you can talk her into it."

Sam nodded and glanced down at the paper.

Abby motioned to an incoming trauma, "I'm going to go and help them." She paused for a moment and looked at Sam, "You okay?" She questioned.

Sam nodded and glanced up as Abby, "Thank you." She gave Abby a polite smile.

"Anytime," She replied running after the gurney.

-

She slid open the curtain, the silver hooks making an ear wrenching sound as it grinded against the metal. Standing there for a moment, Sam looked over the sleeping figure lying on the bed in front of her. As she advanced towards the IV that was connected to the old woman's arm, she couldn't help but smile at her sleeping so peacefully.

If only she could get such a worry free slumber.

Checking the IV, she glanced down at Mrs. Okonski whose eyelids started to flutter open. She gave Sam a slight smile before sitting up in the bed.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Okonski. It seems as if they haven't found a bed for you up in medicine yet," She stated giving the old woman a polite smile.

Mrs. Okonski shrugged, "It's okay. I enjoy the people watching."

Sam let out a slight chuckle, "Yeah, I guess you could say that some very unusual people come through here." She pursed her lips and rolled over a stool that was sitting beside an empty bed, "I found your daughter, Leslie."

"You did?" She questioned narrowing her eyes.

Sam nodded, "I think you two should talk."

She shook her head, "You don't understand, child."

Glancing at her questioningly, Sam sighed, "Well, I have all the time in the world."

"I really don't want to talk about it." Mrs. Okonski replied politely. She ran her hand through her gray locks and sighed, "It happened so many years ago. It would be a shame to bring up the subject now."

"Did something happen between the two of you?" Sam inquired.

Mrs. Okonski nodded, "You could say that." She bit her bottom lip, "Look child, I'm spent. Best let me be."

Sam nodded as she rose from her spot beside the bed, "I'll check on you a little bit later, okay?"

She nodded, "That would be great."

As the door swung shut behind her, Sam let out a sigh and heads towards the lounge. Entering it, Sam is met by a gust of cool air. The overhead lights were turned off, and Alex's spot on the couch was vacant. She narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms tight across her chest. _My god Alex…_

Approaching admit, Sam glanced at Frank questioningly and smiled, "You wouldn't have happened to see my son. Have you?"

Frank shook his head, "No, sorry." He diverted his gaze back to the computer as Sam began to walk away, "You know," He added "you really should keep a better eye on him."

Sam huffed, "It's not as easy as you think."

"Oh trust me… I know."

-

"Hey bud," Sam said as she wrapped her arms around Alex's shoulders. He turned around in her embrace to face her. She looked exhausted. For so long, she wasn't that mother he had once had. She wasn't the vibrant, cool, and agree to anything mom she once had been. Instead she was the strict, pulled together mom he had always been glad he didn't have, "I thought I told you not to run off." She said glancing down at him.

"I was bored. I figured it wasn't the morgue…" He replied, "Why don't we live with dad?" Alex questioned.

Sam closed her eyes, "I've already explained this to you Alex. Things just didn't work out between me and your father." She paused, "There's nothing more I can tell you."

Alex motioned to the babies that were crying and cooing behind the window, "You know, if you and dad had stayed together we could have had this. We could have had a family."

She kissed him on the forehead, "You do have a family, Alex."

Alex shook his head, "No, I mean a real family, with a mom, dad, and brothers and sisters." He glanced back at the babies, "I don't know… I guess we always just want what we can't have." Alex paused and looked at his mother sincerely, "Have you ever wanted to have another baby? To fall in love again?" He whispered.

Sam ruffled Alex's hair, "You're enough for me kiddo. You're all that I'll ever need." She glanced at the babies.

Maybe she _did_ want a baby…a little bit.

Sam pulled Alex close, "You know I love you, Alex."

"I love you too mom," He replied his gaze following his mother's.

-

Pursing her lips, Sam glanced down at the number scribbled across the paper. She picked up the phone and paused for a moment before dialing the number. As it rung, Alex called out to her, "I'm going mom!"

Sam nodded and tapped her fingertips expectantly on the countertop.

"Hello?"


End file.
